I have realized...

that I have so much to say. I have so many emotions and thoughts that need to come out. They live in my head and drive me stir crazy. I've joined this little world..this little club that I never wanted to be apart of. I'm spending my holidays in a different way then I had imagined this year. I had so many hopes and dreams for this holiday. Last year I was newly pregnant and sick during Thanksgiving. I kept thinking we would have a baby this year. An added gift to be thankful for this year. While she is still a gift and we are so thankful for the time we had to spend with her, I am heartbroken this year. Ringing in 2009 I said this would be a huge year for us...our life would be changed in so many ways. How true I was on those words. I can't even begin to express how much our lives have changed this year. I am but a shell of what I once was.

How do you begin to fix yourself? How do you put back together the pieces of a missing puzzle. There will forever being a missing piece to our puzzle. We will never know our daughter, our children will never know their sister, and it's just something we all have to learn to live with. But how? How do you deal with a pain so deep?

We have started TTC again. Yes, you read that right. I have so many mixed feelings on this. I wasn't sure if I was ready to begin the whole process over again, and when our first attempt failed last month it brought back pain with it. I'm not sure how women do this over and over for months and months. I wish my body would just get its act together and do what it's supposed to do. Seriously! Is it too much to ask that you get pregnant and manage to keep an infection away!

I've been sad and angry lately. I'm crushed that we aren't preparing to spend Bryanna's first thanksgiving and Christmas with her. I'm crushed that in 3 months we will hit the 1 year mark. I'm hurt that all the hopes and dreams I had for her went up into flames. I have come to terms with the fact that she isn't hear. That we infact did lose her, but the long term thoughts are the worse. We will never see her grow up, get married and have children of her own. This hurts more then I can even begin to express.

I know I will learn to deal with these feelings eventually but for now it hurts. For now it makes me want to scream and even shed a tear daily which is something I haven't done in a while.

It's been awhile

I know it's been awhile since my last post. Over 2 months. Where has the time gone? It has dawn on me that in three short months we will be celebrating our very first angelversary. I can't believe it's been a whole year already. I feel like I have lived 2009 in a complete daze. This whole year has had an eerie dream like feel to it. Some months go by without me noticing them at all and some drag on and on forever. As the holidays approach I find myself feeling more and more anxious. I think back to how I was so hopeful last year pregnant, and knowing we would have a baby here this year to celebrate the holidays with us. It's heartbreaking now realizing that's not going to happen.

I cried my eyes out in therapy the other day. The pain of her not being here hurts so badly sometimes. I hate bogging everyone down with my tears still, but it just hurts so much. There is this huge hole in my heart that can't be filled. I dream of happy little babies and wake up missing and longing for her even more. I'm currently looking for her one and only Christmas Ornament, and I realize how unfair this is. I should be buying her first Christmas ornament and not searching for an angel one.

This month has been especially hard on me. In a weeks time we came upon her 9 month mark, a friend celebrated her 4th angelversary, and on of my dear friends friend gave birth 14 weeks early and lost her little girl. It's times like this that I realize that there are so many more of us out there then people would like to think of. When I was pregnant I thought if I just didn't read anything about babies dying mine would be just fine...what a naive thought. Now I am painfully aware that no matter what you do you are never in a safe zone. This makes me worry about the next time, as we have started trying for the next time. I am terrified, and worry about things that are not in my control. In fact for the past nine months I have worried about things that are not in my control. I realized that my life is not entirely in my hands. I have hurt more then I thought was humanly possible. I have feared more then I wish anyone to fear. I have been uncertain, and have become a pessimist. It seems as if I'm still attempting to make my way out of the darkness. It's gotten to the point where I begin to see the light I get scared and turn around and walk into the darkness. It's a horrible feeling. I'm so ready to emerge again. I'm ready to become this woman that everyone thinks I have become. This strong person who has survived something horrible, but in reality it takes much more then anyone realizes to make it through the day. You see my heart is still broken. I'm still unsure, and I'm still an anxious mess.

I am ready to pull through though and live my life not only for me but for Bryanna who I am sure lives through me. Learning to pick up the pieces and start all over again is the difficult part. Not letting the negative thoughts get the best of me is even harder. I pray when the time comes I can enjoy my pregnancy without being terrified the entire time. I am a good person and would be an amazing mommy...I pray I'm given the chance, I so desperately want to feel a baby that Bryan and I created together inside of me again.

perhaps it was the "sign" I've been asking for?

Thursday will mark 7 months since we had our beautiful angel! Is it really possible? Could it really be 7 months already? Where oh where has the time gone? Yet in the same breath how can it only been 7 months! It feels like years ago that we held our little angel in our arms.

About 5 months ago I went on birth control because I just couldn't see having a baby just yet. Now I'm about a month and a week away from when we will start TTC again. I told myself that after taking birth control for 6 months I would be ready to try again. Now as the time approaches I feel myself so full of hope and excitement when I think about it, but yet its quickly replaced by a racing heart. Does that mean I'm not ready, or does it simply mean that having another child will bring so much into our life. I don't think I will ever get to the point where I'm not stressed out about bringing a child into this world. I don't know if we got pregnant a month from now, or started trying 2 years from now if my heart would ever stop racing at the thought of a child. What I do know is that at some point I will need to take a leap and just trust myself and put some faith into my body that I can carry a child to term, and we will someday have our forever baby.

With this being said on Friday I asked Bryanna to give me a sign that she was OK with us having a baby, and that she was OK with us giving her a baby brother or sister. While I expected to see a sign from her right there and then it wasn't until Sunday that her beautiful butterfly appeared. I was coming out of the garage and as soon as I opened the garage door there she was fluttering by, almost as if she had been waiting for me. I told her hi and walked to the car. As I walked back she was still there and even stayed around long enough for her daddy to see. I can't help but think this is the sign from her that I asked to see. This was her telling me "Yes mommy I'm OK, and you have my permission to try again." Does this make me crazy, or simply optimistic? I do need some faith to help me through the days, and for now this is enough for me.

I'm Alive

For so long I have been terrified. For six long months I have thought I was sick and dying. Am I? No...but it's amazing what you can make yourself believe when you have a broken heart. I have been terrified of everything under the sun. Lived with thinking my intestines were going to explode, my heart was racing so I must be having a heart attack, my stomach must be bleeding, I must have an aneurysm because my head hurts. Again, there is nothing wrong with me...I'm just sad and hurting. I try to find a reason why Bryanna's not here with us, and the honest truth is there is no good reason. God just wanted her, so that has to be reason enough. But as for me, I need to live my life again, and stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to give myself to my family again and most of all me. The way I have been living for 6 long months is no way to live. No one should ever have to lose a child, and go through the heartache that we have been through. We went through it..we are going through it. We are strong, and yet still feel so weak all at the same time. We miss her every single day, and I often wonder what she would look like now as a full grown baby, but we will never know. A good friend today told me that I need to be stronger because I need to be the mommy she needs. I never even thought that she still needed me. However I do know for sure I don't enjoy her looking down on me and seeing me in pain.

As I was driving today I heard this song and the words stopped me in my place and I thought wow! That's how I need to view life now. So for now this is my new theme song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfuMecxRfFo

footprints

"These are my footprints,

so perfect and so small.

These tiny footprints

never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,

for now I have wings.

These tiny footprints were meant

for other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints,

in the patter of the rain.

Gentle drops like angel's tears,

of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in each butterflies' lazy dance.

I'll let you know I'm with you,

if you just give me the chance.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in the rustle of the leaves.

I will whisper names into the wind,

and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints,

are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.

'Cause even though I'm gone now,

We'll never truly part."

Who You'd Be Today

It's been awhile since my last post. Not on purpose as I think of Bryanna everyday of my life, just difficult to find the words. I have started many blogs only to walk away and not come back to it later. However, today I was going over her blog like I do daily and I was listening to the words of the songs that I have playing on here.

A few days after Bryanna was born I head the song "Who You'd Be Today." I sat here and bawled my eyes out. I have heard the song many times and listened to the words, but it wasn't until this point that the words touched me so much. I dread hearing the words to this song but just now as I was listening to it these words stood out...

It ain't fair you died to young

like a story that had just begun

but death tore all the pages away

God knows how I miss you

and all the hell that i've been through

Just knowing no one can take your place

Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

How true these words ring for me. These lyrics could have been written for our story alone. She did die to young, and it kills me she wont ever get to live her life. I have been through hell and back in this process. The fear, the anxiety, the depression...no one should ever have to go through this. With the help of my family I have finally overcome the anxiety for the most part and I'm officially off the Xanax. However I told my friend today that in a way this is just yet another obstacle to overcome. It's almost harder now knowing I'm coping on my own because it just reminds me of a quote I once heard..

"It hurts to breathe because I know every breath I
take proves I can live without you."

It's almost the same way without the xanax now. Now that I'm doing this on my own again it only proves that I'm functioning again. Such a great thing because I can start to put all the pieces back in order again and start trying again, but so hard at the same time because it's not natural carry on after a child dies. You shouldn't outlive you child and yet Bryan and I have done that very thing. She will forever be apart of us, and I know its encouraging from her that has made this process go a little easier for me. After all her little signs from above I'm able to function again. In a away its almost like I know no matter what she is always around us....

Spirit Baby

A friend shared this story with me a few months back, and as we now prepare to start trying again sometime soon I can only hope that some of these words ring true.

Spirit Baby

Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I’d miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery. Stunned w hen the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I’d just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I’d been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I’d be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it’s a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother." I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don’t you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don’t? I mean, you’re my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here’s how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that’s the baby that’s born. If she doesn’t get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby’s born…now listen, Mom, because here’s the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it’s always first in line. Isn’t that great?"So you just have to get pregnant again, and you’ll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don’t, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman’s circle, and it’ll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born. "But it’d be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really. I’ve always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I’m talking about here, Mom."In spite of Colin’s certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn’t give up and even enlisted his sister’s support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I’d told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. "Colin, I don’t understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?"He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply."Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!" Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it."It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision. So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there’s no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we "needed a baby in the house." Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed – and made a giant leap of faith. I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it.