I have realized...

that I have so much to say. I have so many emotions and thoughts that need to come out. They live in my head and drive me stir crazy. I've joined this little world..this little club that I never wanted to be apart of. I'm spending my holidays in a different way then I had imagined this year. I had so many hopes and dreams for this holiday. Last year I was newly pregnant and sick during Thanksgiving. I kept thinking we would have a baby this year. An added gift to be thankful for this year. While she is still a gift and we are so thankful for the time we had to spend with her, I am heartbroken this year. Ringing in 2009 I said this would be a huge year for us...our life would be changed in so many ways. How true I was on those words. I can't even begin to express how much our lives have changed this year. I am but a shell of what I once was.

How do you begin to fix yourself? How do you put back together the pieces of a missing puzzle. There will forever being a missing piece to our puzzle. We will never know our daughter, our children will never know their sister, and it's just something we all have to learn to live with. But how? How do you deal with a pain so deep?

We have started TTC again. Yes, you read that right. I have so many mixed feelings on this. I wasn't sure if I was ready to begin the whole process over again, and when our first attempt failed last month it brought back pain with it. I'm not sure how women do this over and over for months and months. I wish my body would just get its act together and do what it's supposed to do. Seriously! Is it too much to ask that you get pregnant and manage to keep an infection away!

I've been sad and angry lately. I'm crushed that we aren't preparing to spend Bryanna's first thanksgiving and Christmas with her. I'm crushed that in 3 months we will hit the 1 year mark. I'm hurt that all the hopes and dreams I had for her went up into flames. I have come to terms with the fact that she isn't hear. That we infact did lose her, but the long term thoughts are the worse. We will never see her grow up, get married and have children of her own. This hurts more then I can even begin to express.

I know I will learn to deal with these feelings eventually but for now it hurts. For now it makes me want to scream and even shed a tear daily which is something I haven't done in a while.

It's been awhile

I know it's been awhile since my last post. Over 2 months. Where has the time gone? It has dawn on me that in three short months we will be celebrating our very first angelversary. I can't believe it's been a whole year already. I feel like I have lived 2009 in a complete daze. This whole year has had an eerie dream like feel to it. Some months go by without me noticing them at all and some drag on and on forever. As the holidays approach I find myself feeling more and more anxious. I think back to how I was so hopeful last year pregnant, and knowing we would have a baby here this year to celebrate the holidays with us. It's heartbreaking now realizing that's not going to happen.

I cried my eyes out in therapy the other day. The pain of her not being here hurts so badly sometimes. I hate bogging everyone down with my tears still, but it just hurts so much. There is this huge hole in my heart that can't be filled. I dream of happy little babies and wake up missing and longing for her even more. I'm currently looking for her one and only Christmas Ornament, and I realize how unfair this is. I should be buying her first Christmas ornament and not searching for an angel one.

This month has been especially hard on me. In a weeks time we came upon her 9 month mark, a friend celebrated her 4th angelversary, and on of my dear friends friend gave birth 14 weeks early and lost her little girl. It's times like this that I realize that there are so many more of us out there then people would like to think of. When I was pregnant I thought if I just didn't read anything about babies dying mine would be just fine...what a naive thought. Now I am painfully aware that no matter what you do you are never in a safe zone. This makes me worry about the next time, as we have started trying for the next time. I am terrified, and worry about things that are not in my control. In fact for the past nine months I have worried about things that are not in my control. I realized that my life is not entirely in my hands. I have hurt more then I thought was humanly possible. I have feared more then I wish anyone to fear. I have been uncertain, and have become a pessimist. It seems as if I'm still attempting to make my way out of the darkness. It's gotten to the point where I begin to see the light I get scared and turn around and walk into the darkness. It's a horrible feeling. I'm so ready to emerge again. I'm ready to become this woman that everyone thinks I have become. This strong person who has survived something horrible, but in reality it takes much more then anyone realizes to make it through the day. You see my heart is still broken. I'm still unsure, and I'm still an anxious mess.

I am ready to pull through though and live my life not only for me but for Bryanna who I am sure lives through me. Learning to pick up the pieces and start all over again is the difficult part. Not letting the negative thoughts get the best of me is even harder. I pray when the time comes I can enjoy my pregnancy without being terrified the entire time. I am a good person and would be an amazing mommy...I pray I'm given the chance, I so desperately want to feel a baby that Bryan and I created together inside of me again.

perhaps it was the "sign" I've been asking for?

Thursday will mark 7 months since we had our beautiful angel! Is it really possible? Could it really be 7 months already? Where oh where has the time gone? Yet in the same breath how can it only been 7 months! It feels like years ago that we held our little angel in our arms.

About 5 months ago I went on birth control because I just couldn't see having a baby just yet. Now I'm about a month and a week away from when we will start TTC again. I told myself that after taking birth control for 6 months I would be ready to try again. Now as the time approaches I feel myself so full of hope and excitement when I think about it, but yet its quickly replaced by a racing heart. Does that mean I'm not ready, or does it simply mean that having another child will bring so much into our life. I don't think I will ever get to the point where I'm not stressed out about bringing a child into this world. I don't know if we got pregnant a month from now, or started trying 2 years from now if my heart would ever stop racing at the thought of a child. What I do know is that at some point I will need to take a leap and just trust myself and put some faith into my body that I can carry a child to term, and we will someday have our forever baby.

With this being said on Friday I asked Bryanna to give me a sign that she was OK with us having a baby, and that she was OK with us giving her a baby brother or sister. While I expected to see a sign from her right there and then it wasn't until Sunday that her beautiful butterfly appeared. I was coming out of the garage and as soon as I opened the garage door there she was fluttering by, almost as if she had been waiting for me. I told her hi and walked to the car. As I walked back she was still there and even stayed around long enough for her daddy to see. I can't help but think this is the sign from her that I asked to see. This was her telling me "Yes mommy I'm OK, and you have my permission to try again." Does this make me crazy, or simply optimistic? I do need some faith to help me through the days, and for now this is enough for me.

I'm Alive

For so long I have been terrified. For six long months I have thought I was sick and dying. Am I? No...but it's amazing what you can make yourself believe when you have a broken heart. I have been terrified of everything under the sun. Lived with thinking my intestines were going to explode, my heart was racing so I must be having a heart attack, my stomach must be bleeding, I must have an aneurysm because my head hurts. Again, there is nothing wrong with me...I'm just sad and hurting. I try to find a reason why Bryanna's not here with us, and the honest truth is there is no good reason. God just wanted her, so that has to be reason enough. But as for me, I need to live my life again, and stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to give myself to my family again and most of all me. The way I have been living for 6 long months is no way to live. No one should ever have to lose a child, and go through the heartache that we have been through. We went through it..we are going through it. We are strong, and yet still feel so weak all at the same time. We miss her every single day, and I often wonder what she would look like now as a full grown baby, but we will never know. A good friend today told me that I need to be stronger because I need to be the mommy she needs. I never even thought that she still needed me. However I do know for sure I don't enjoy her looking down on me and seeing me in pain.

As I was driving today I heard this song and the words stopped me in my place and I thought wow! That's how I need to view life now. So for now this is my new theme song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfuMecxRfFo

footprints

"These are my footprints,

so perfect and so small.

These tiny footprints

never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,

for now I have wings.

These tiny footprints were meant

for other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints,

in the patter of the rain.

Gentle drops like angel's tears,

of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in each butterflies' lazy dance.

I'll let you know I'm with you,

if you just give me the chance.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in the rustle of the leaves.

I will whisper names into the wind,

and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints,

are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.

'Cause even though I'm gone now,

We'll never truly part."

Who You'd Be Today

It's been awhile since my last post. Not on purpose as I think of Bryanna everyday of my life, just difficult to find the words. I have started many blogs only to walk away and not come back to it later. However, today I was going over her blog like I do daily and I was listening to the words of the songs that I have playing on here.

A few days after Bryanna was born I head the song "Who You'd Be Today." I sat here and bawled my eyes out. I have heard the song many times and listened to the words, but it wasn't until this point that the words touched me so much. I dread hearing the words to this song but just now as I was listening to it these words stood out...

It ain't fair you died to young

like a story that had just begun

but death tore all the pages away

God knows how I miss you

and all the hell that i've been through

Just knowing no one can take your place

Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

How true these words ring for me. These lyrics could have been written for our story alone. She did die to young, and it kills me she wont ever get to live her life. I have been through hell and back in this process. The fear, the anxiety, the depression...no one should ever have to go through this. With the help of my family I have finally overcome the anxiety for the most part and I'm officially off the Xanax. However I told my friend today that in a way this is just yet another obstacle to overcome. It's almost harder now knowing I'm coping on my own because it just reminds me of a quote I once heard..

"It hurts to breathe because I know every breath I
take proves I can live without you."

It's almost the same way without the xanax now. Now that I'm doing this on my own again it only proves that I'm functioning again. Such a great thing because I can start to put all the pieces back in order again and start trying again, but so hard at the same time because it's not natural carry on after a child dies. You shouldn't outlive you child and yet Bryan and I have done that very thing. She will forever be apart of us, and I know its encouraging from her that has made this process go a little easier for me. After all her little signs from above I'm able to function again. In a away its almost like I know no matter what she is always around us....

Spirit Baby

A friend shared this story with me a few months back, and as we now prepare to start trying again sometime soon I can only hope that some of these words ring true.

Spirit Baby

Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I’d miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery. Stunned w hen the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I’d just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I’d been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I’d be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it’s a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother." I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don’t you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don’t? I mean, you’re my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here’s how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that’s the baby that’s born. If she doesn’t get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby’s born…now listen, Mom, because here’s the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it’s always first in line. Isn’t that great?"So you just have to get pregnant again, and you’ll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don’t, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman’s circle, and it’ll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born. "But it’d be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really. I’ve always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I’m talking about here, Mom."In spite of Colin’s certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn’t give up and even enlisted his sister’s support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I’d told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. "Colin, I don’t understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?"He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply."Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!" Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it."It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision. So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there’s no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we "needed a baby in the house." Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed – and made a giant leap of faith. I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it.

Family Portrait

Last night the boys were sitting at the table coloring. Bryan and I were laying on the couch watching TV. When they were done Bryan asked to see what they drew and our oldest son brought us this...

If you look closely at the very end where Kobe is standing you can see another little pink figure to represent Bryanna. I can't even begin to explain to you how much this touched me. When I begin to wonder if I'm the only person in the world who still thinks about her my son surprises me and lets me know she is still on his mind as well. I love that he thought enough to add his baby sister into our family picture, and it lets me know just how special she is to him as well. Even now as I type this I'm so touched that I'm on the verge of tears. This picture is currently on my fridge as you can tell by my butterfly magnet, that's the butterfly we see by the way that we call our sign from her, but soon it will take its place on my night stand in a frame. This is a picture that I will forever cherish. You see it's the only family picture that we will ever have that will have her in it. Breaks my heart, but I'm so honored to have this picture to look at now.

On another note, our beautiful butterfly came around again yesterday. I didn't get to see her, but as we were leaving the house she flew by the car and Bryan pointed her out. Guess our little girl wanted to say Hello to daddy yesterday. I'm so very happy for him..while he didn't get a chance to feel her move, it makes me happy knowing she came around for daddy to see. I've noticed lately that he has pointed out Butterflies as well. It makes me happy to know that he thinks of her as well when he sees them. On a funny note..I was at the grocery store yesterday and as I was getting ready to walk out I just happened to look in the floral section and there was a yellow and black butterfly balloon! Guess I did get a little glimpse of her after all.

I'm always with you

Why did you have to go away and leave your mommy so sad and blue?

I'm right here mommy with you always, I thought you already knew.

How come I can't see you or hold you close to me?

You do see me mommy, you just have to open your eyes and there I'll be.

I'm the sunrise in the morning and the sunset @ night.

I'm that star you see in the sky shinning o' so bright.

I'm that flower in your yard that bloomed the other day.

I'm the beautiful butterfly you stopped and watch play.

I'm that soft whisper you hear when no one's around.

I'm the warmth that heals your heart just when you begin to frown.

I'm the colorful rainbow you sometimes see right after a storm.

I'm always near you mommy, I just take many different forms.

I'm in each smile you make and kiss you give away.

I'm apart of you mommy, in every thought and word you say.

I see the tears you cry for me and hear you pray.

I wipe them away with my kisses and help you make it through the day.

We will forever be together this I know for sure.

God sent me to be with you in all that you will endure.

Mommy I wish you could see my magical set of wings.

Exquisite soft white feathers made from all of God's loving things.

I wrap them around you brining comfort and healing.

As i engulf you let go all the pain your heart is feeling.

We meet in your dreams holding hand in hand.

We walk down beaches dragging our feet in the sand.

You also have some friends up here that love you so.

They watch over you where ever you may go.

So when your feeling sad and blue and think I'm not right here.

Just look around at all the beautiful things and know I am near.

~Author~Shannon

Bryanna

Today I got to thinking about Bryanna's name. Like every other parent when we found out we were pregnant we started playing around with different baby names. We of course had more girl names then boy names. And Bryanna was a name I've always liked.

When Bryan and I first got together I was working at a child development center and there was a little girl name "Bryanna" I loved how it was spelled and knew that one day I would name my little girl that. When Bryan and I got married and I got pregnant we still played around with the name Bryanna, but started coming up with different names as well.

Four days before we had Bryanna we had our big ultrasound and found out that I was in fact pregnant with a little girl. Bryanna came to mind again but still we thought we had time to come up with different names. However, as fate would have it...we didn't have much time at all. All the days I was in the hospital I still wondered what we would name her, and finally on Tuesday I just knew what her name was going to be. Bryan had left for a little while and when he returned to my hospital room I told him I wanted to name her Bryanna and he said ok.

Part of my reason for wanting to name her Bryanna was because he, not only I wanted a baby girl so badly and I wanted to name her in some way after her daddy...another reason we chose to spell it with a "y" instead of "i". However it wasn't until just recently that a friend asked if we combined both of our names to come up with her name. I didn't get what she was saying until she pointed out Bryan "Bryan" and Gina "na" how amazing is it that our little angel's name turned out to be a perfect combination between our two names! It truly was fate and God working with us yet again.

A sweet gift

Recently I ran across a website, and as soon as I saw it I just knew I had to contact them about doing one for Bryanna. On Thursday night the email address went up and I quickly sent in her name and what we wanted the post to say! I love how it came out! I can't wait to print it out so we can frame it and hang it in our house!

http://namesinthesand.blogspot.com/2009/07/bryanna-zarate.html

21 weeks and 1 day

It's been 21 weeks and 1 day since our dear sweet Bryanna was born and passed away. 21 weeks since I last saw her little face and held her in my arms...21 weeks since all my hopes and dreams for her went away. She has officially been an angel longer then she was growing in my belly.

I think back to where I was a week after her death and now where am I a week after her due date. A week after her death I was completely heartbroken. I didn't know how I would go about the seconds, minutes, hours, and day much less how I could get through the rest of my life. I couldn't go out anywhere without seeing a baby or a pregnant woman without breaking down. I was still waking up every morning and breaking down. The days shortly following her death I couldn't even bare to leave my room and had to be coaxed out by Bryan. He had to bring me food down stairs to make sure I ate and get me out of the house at least an hour a day to make sure I didn't sink into an even deeper depression. I didn't know how I would go on. Laughing seemed so out of place. Immediately after we began to laugh or smile we would stop and wonder was it ok to do so? The pain we felt was so intense and some days I just wanted to sleep because at least when I was asleep I didn't have to think about it. There were moments in my day that I would fall to my knees and just ask why us? I honestly think I cried more then smiled during this time.

Now, a week after her due date I feel more hopeful/peaceful. I see little signs from her, and I'm at a better understanding with what happened. I know God has a plan for us. I know one day we will get our Earth baby. Now I can actually look into the future and toy around with the idea of TTC again. Am I fully there yet? No, but I'm a lot closer then I thought I would be at this point. It still scares me like you wouldn't believe and while I know I'm two times more likely to get the infection again I know its a 5% chance that I can get it and a 95% chance that I wont. I know that God and Bryanna will get me through and I have to believe that this time I will be in that 95%. It's a little easier to try and be more optimistic now...not 100% yet, but I have learned not to totally let my anxiety take control of my life.

There are times in my life now that I sit here and wonder did we really just go through this? Did we really just face the biggest heartache that no one should ever have to feel? Yes, we did...but we are becoming stronger. We still struggle..but it's not daily anymore. I no longer wonder if my marriage will survive this. We will survive this because we are stronger...Bryanna made us stronger. Bryanna made us feel a love for each other and bond for each other that we might have not known without her. I'm a firm believer she was brought into our life to strengthen our marriage and to show us when it's time we will have our earth baby.

Sweet Butterfly

As this weekend was quickly approaching we knew we needed to make plans to get out of town. We wanted to do something as a family...just get away for a little while. We ended up going camping with some really good friends of ours. Friends so close that we have basically given up referring to them as friends and just refer to them as family. The camping trip while extremely hot turned out to be so peaceful and relaxing. Over the course of the weekend I spent much time sitting in a chair and listening closely to the river...taking in all the beauty of everything God had created.

We arrived to the camp grounds on Friday and while we were setting up camp I was almost hit in the head by a beautiful yellow butterfly. Thinking nothing of it I just brushed it off as just something you would find in nature. Well, throughout the remainder of the day this beautiful butterfly kept flying around us. She would fly near us and then fly away but always coming back around to see us. Finally I realized it was a sign from Bryanna. Bryanna had followed us on our camping trip and was enjoying the beauty with us. She was letting us know she was ok. I was so very excited to have my little angel around.

That night as I was saying my nightly prayers I prayed to God and thanked him for giving us a sign from our little angel..little did I know she would continue to be around us for the remainder of the weekend.

Yesterday morning we went out of ice cream and again our little angel flew by. While we were eating lunch back at our camp grounds my friend told me that she was flying around my head the entire time. Later on that afternoon as we were getting ready for dinner she was flying around again. It amazed me everytime I saw her. I tried to take a picture but our little angel was much to fast. It was as if she just wanted us to know she was around but it wasn't time for a picture.

It took me a little while to realize that it was the exact same color as the butterfly at our wedding...makes me wonder if our little angel was with us from the very beginning...then it made me realize that we have been blessed by this butterfly not once but twice. Maybe its a sign I need to start collecting butterfly's! Keep a look out dear friends!

At my first empty cradle meeting we received a book mark with this poem...coincidence?? Maybe not...maybe its simply another sign from God and Bryanna...

A Butterfly

A Butterfly lights

beside us

Like a sunbeam,

And for a brief moment

Its glory and beauty

Belong to our world.

But then it flies

on again

And though we wish

it could have stayed

We feel lucky to

have seen it.

Author Unknown

A special gift

On June 29th I received a very sweet gift from a group of ladies that I'm a military wives support group with. It meant the world to me that they would think of me on a day that I held very close to my heart. I knew many people new of the date but didn't expect such a thoughtful gift. The girls on this site have become very special friends and reached out to me in ways I never expected after the loss of Bryanna. They offered prayers and words of support on my darkest days.



When I received the box in the mail and opened it it was a small yellow heart shaped box with inspirational quotes inside and a very sweet card.

the card read:

Gina-There are never the right words to say to make your pain and loss go away. I know that today must be extremely hard since your angel was due. She was taken much too soon. I even question the Lord's actions, How can such a blessed event like a birth of a child be marked by the Lord taking that child? Your loving arms is where she should be. Hopefully on your due date, today, that you feel your little one's presence. May all your hopes, love, and dreams for Bryanna feel your heart with some comfort. Know there are many woman that are thinking and praying for you. We hurt and cry for your loss as well. Hopefully this little box will help you on days like today. May the little tokens of quotes and sayings bring a smile to your face and comfort your heart.

Love,

Your SG Sisters

Of course this little letter brought tears to my eyes. It truly touched my heart that someone could write these words to me. Something that they thought was probably so simple and wouldn't get their emotions across touched me in so many ways. The little box its self was filled with sweet little quotes, sayings, and scriptures that made me smile and brought tears to my eyes but made me feel so loved as well.

Some of the sayings in the box included:

*Bryanna we remember you

*Her time on Earth was too short, but her memory lives on.

*The hole in your heart may not heal, but we will help fill it.

*A family is a circle of love, not broken by loss, but made stronger by memories.

*Sometimes we face set backs before we can walk forward.

There are so many more like this and they all remind me that not only am I hurting for the loss of Bryanna but so are my friends and family.

Thank you so much for thinking of me and my family during our difficult day.

Balloons for Bryanna

On Tuesday June 30th we decided to pick up some balloons for Bryanna. We took them down to the trails down by our house and released them for her. We figured if she was going to celebrate the day with God we were going to send some balloons her way for the party and to let her know we were thinking of her.

Bryan and the boys getting ready to release the balloons

There they go!

Up up and Away!

A little higher up

After we released the balloons they all drifted farther away from us. They seemed to favor a little patch of clouds that I like to believe is where she was looking down on us from.

Releasing the balloons was very therapeutic for me, and after we released them I had a calm come over me. Almost as if for once I was at peace with what was going on. It was a very hard day though because it was as if it sunk in for good that she was truly gone but I know she is in a better place. I do miss my little angel though.

Don't Mourn For Me

Don't Mourn For Me

Mother, please don't mourn for me; I'm still here, though you don't see.

I'm right by your side, each night and day

and within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone but I'm always near. I'm everything you feel, see or hear.

My spirit is free, but I'll never depart

as long as you keep me alive in your heart.
I'll never wander out of your sight--I'm the brightest star

on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach--

I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.
I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around,

And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.

I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond--

The clear cool water in a quiet pond.
I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring;

the first warm raindrop that April will bring.

I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,

and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there's no one to love you,

you can talk to me through the Lord above you.

I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,

and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep

and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.

I'm the smile you see on a baby's face. Just look for me, Mommy,

I'm everyplace!

(Author unknown)

A sad reminder

I was going through my myspace blog that I use to use all the time. As I was flipping through just now I ran across a ticker that I posted when I was pregnant. I locked this specific entry after we lost Bryanna so no one else could see it but I couldn't bring myself to delete it. It really had slipped my mind until just now...

The ticker says I'm 39 weeks and 6 days..only 1 day until my due date. One day...in one day I could have been holding my precious baby. However, that's not the way things were meant to be. I found myself looking at myself in the mirror this afternoon and wondering did I really go through these past 4 months? Did I really have a baby growing in me just 20 short weeks ago, and now there is nothing left? Did I really just go through all of this and survive? It's so surreal thinking we just went through all of this. It's so surreal thinking just 20 weeks ago I was in the hospital getting ready to have my baby, and had I gone into the hospital yesterday she would have been born and everything would have been ok. I find it so odd that she was born 20 weeks too early...2o weeks to the exact date that she was due.

Tomorrow will be a busy day with family, but we are taking a little time to head out to the lake in the morning to release some balloons for her. My reasoning being..if she is going to celebrate with God we at least want to send her some balloons from us to let her know we are thinking about her.

I must confess..this date is making the pain more real..almost like for the past 4 months I have not really believed it until this moment. Yes, I have grieved with every part of my being but this hurts on a whole new level. Luckily my family will be here to keep me busy and we can mourn together and celebrate the day together as well.

a walk through target

A walk through Target should be an easy task. I love target and when we lived in Hawaii I couldn't wait to spend my days walking through target. When I was pregnant my favorite thing to do was walk through the baby aisle, but now I try to map my way throughout the store without having to pass by the baby aisle. This is not an easy task in our Target.

Somedays I can walk through the store and glance at the baby section and somedays I have to walk through the store with my head turned so I wont even look at it. The anxiety that hits when we round the corner of the shoe section makes me crazy. Will today be the day I can look? or will I have to turn away and pretend it's not there? Everytime I go it's different. The crib that we bought Bryanna just a week prior to going into the hospital is on display..if that isn't bad enough the display is set up for a little girl. Everytime we go in the store I try to avoid the crib all together. Just recently I've began to look at the crib and pray that one day it will hold a baby for us. For now the crib sits in the garage.

Today as I was walking through target I went down the opposite way because I was looking at sleepwear for myself. I happened to be in the mood today to look at the little girls clothing. I tried to keep walking but the little girl's dresses called me in. They were so cute..cute little summer dresses that had things been different Bryanna could have been wearing. I know I can't think like this, but so close to the due date it's hard not to.

I miss my little angel so much right now. I miss her everyday but somedays its just hits me more then others. I'm not going to lie..the next two days will most likely be rough for me, but I'm extremly thankful that my husband has taken the next two weeks off to be with me.

Anxious

For the past three days anxiety has slowly creeped back into my life. My heart has started racing again and little pains in my stomach are slowly starting back up. I did so well for two weeks, and now we are back to this. I attempted to tell myself Tuesday wouldn't be a big deal, but the closer it gets the more anxious I become.

I know people think Tuesday June 30th should just be another day to me. But the truth is this day approaching hurts me so badly. I know I know Bryanna was born on Tuesday February 10th and that's just the way life turned out. I know February 10th was her birthday and will forever be. However, for 5 months I looked forward to this day, and for the past 4 months I have dreaded this day. Now this day is only 4 days away and the anxiety is creeping in. What will my mood be like that day? If things had turned out different I could be in the hospital having a baby that day. I should have been in the hospital having a baby that day, but for us that isn't happening. We will not get to be having a baby on June 30th meeting her for the first time and being over joyed that she is finally here. Instead it will be just like any other day...with what might have been not too far from our mind.

How do we even begin to approach this day? Do we just let it go and pretend nothing ever happened or do we do something special and then go about our day? How does this work? When her birthday rolls around I know I will be sad and anxious but I know we can do something special for that day...but does the same hold true for Tuesday?

What about tomorrow for that matter? Tomorrow will be 20 weeks since I discovered something was wrong and had to be taken to the hospital. The thought of tomorrow coming makes me super anxious.

Its crazy how fast your life can change. One moment everything is fine and the next everything has fallen apart. How do you rebuild your life after this? In the book I'm reading he says that you just learn to build around it. You don't ever get over the pain you just learn to go on with your life but still feel it there. He says its like an amputation and I honestly feel like part of me is forever gone. It's almost like in a way it took the old me away. It took away my secure feeling, my hopefulness, and excitement for certain things. Slowly I'm trying to get these emotions back but will I ever fully become what I was before? I know I've talked about becoming a different me, but there are parts of the old me I miss. I just don't want to be anxious or scared anymore. I was to look forward to getting pregnant instead of this huge fear that I have in it's place. Bryan and I were talking today and I told him I don't fear I can get pregnant I just fear if I can stay pregnant. I know I should stay far far away from google..but shortly after we got the results of what caused Bryanna's death I googled the world. One of the very first articles I can across said that I am now 2 x's more likely to have this happen again because I've had it happen before. I know I need to look on the bright side and see that many women who have had this happen in the past have gone on to have healthy pregnancies but how?? How in the world do I clear those thoughts from my head? I know God has these amazing plans for our life I just wish I could somehow see what's going on. See the bright side in it all. Everyone keeps telling me they just know we will have a healthy baby...healthy babies..but how can they be so sure when I'm just not?

Painting

Holidays the past four months have been hard to deal with. Valentines day we ignored, Easter I cried because everything I tried to do came out wrong, Mother's day was the worse...even yesterday, Father's Day, I woke up a little teary eyed. It hurts thinking what we are missing out on. Overall it was a pretty decent day. The sun was out and we decided to take the kids down to the pool.

As I lay out at the pool yesterday I brought out my book with me. I don't spend much time reading it but when I do I give it my full attention because every word of the book speaks to me and makes me really think. It makes me see things in a different light. Yesterday down by the pool I was reading Chapter 6 The Amputation of Self. In previous chapter Jerry Sittser has talked about how death is a catastrophic loss and how its almost like the amputation of a body part. It's not ever something you can get back. However, something in this chapter that touched me was how after a loss you have to pick up and paint a new portrait of your life. He goes on to say that when he first began repainting his picture he wanted to start off on a small canvas because he didn't know how he could have the same expectations for his life after what he had gone through. On page 87 he goes on to say "Many people who suffer loss are tempted to do the same, lowering their expectations of what they will get out of life. Can any person look forward to a life that falls short of what he or she had planned, wanted, and expected?"

Wow, those words hit me like a ton of bricks! These past 4 months I have done that very thing. Thinking I'm sick, imagining us never having a baby, even the anxiety when things get out of control. I have been lowering my expectations of what life is going to be like now. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother, and Bryanna made all those dreams come true, and yet I have to remember at the same time I am also a mommy to Kobe and Anthony. I'm a wife to Bryan, a Daughter to Mark and Laura, a sister to Mark and Matthew, and a Grand Daughter to Daniel and Rita. Yet for the past four months I've been living my world in this dark and lonely place. I miss my baby girl this much we know is true, but at the same time is it fair to let those who are still on this earth get less of me? Is it fair for me not to live life to the fullest because I can't see painting my life portrait on a bigger canvas?

Yes, this four months has turned my world upside down...we have lived through something that no one should ever have to go through, but we are still alive. We become stronger everyday through each other and through the strength that God gives us. We will go on to have more children and paint our picture on the biggest canvas we can find, because after all that's what Bryanna would want for us.

"Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead."

--Fredrick Buechner

God, Take This Child

God, Take This Child....

by Nancy Scott

Sweet child whom we never really got to know,

It’s hard for us to let you go.

We waited and we wanted you.

We had so many dreams for you.

We think of smiles we'll never see.

We think of events that will never be.

There will be no first steps and no first teeth.

There is only a void and our own grief.

We planned to take you to places far and near.

We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.

We hoped to show you much of your new world.

We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.

It’s hard to understand why you, our baby, died.

We feel so numb right now, many tears we’ve cried.

We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.

We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.

God, we stand before you broken-heartedand

ask you to heal these lives that must be parted

from this little one we can no longer hold,

who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.)

God, take this child in your loving arms.

No more can she suffer any harm.

Bless her always and bless us too.

Be with us and help us to make it through.

The Mind...

The mind is a wonderful thing, although it can bring about much torture. Your mind will remember things that you would rather forget. Yet it remembers things your would probably rather not forgot. Just now I was taking a shower and tears came to my eyes not once, not twice, but three times. I had been fine all day long, and then my mind chose to remember at this coming Tuesday I would have been 39 weeks. This is the time that I can start remember almost moment by moment was I was doing 19 weeks ago. 19 weeks ago tomorrow we bought her crib, 19 weeks ago Tuesday I went to the Dr to be diagnosed with BV, 19 weeks ago Thursday I missed work to pick up my antibiotic, 19 weeks ago Friday we discovered we were having a baby girl, 19 weeks ago Sunday my world was falling apart. Had things turned out different I could be holding a baby girl in my arms this very moment, or could possibly still be waiting for her to arrive.

Don't get me wrong I am doing better...just remembering little details like this hurt me so badly. I know people think it's time to move on, but how do you move on after the loss of a child? I know I might not be normal anymore to most, and I'll probably never be the Gina that everyone remembers from before, but I'm a new Gina. A Gina who has seen pain no one should ever have to go through, and a Gina who is becoming stronger by the day. A Gina who knows this strength that carries me through the day is not by my own means but given to me by God. I thank God everyday for the strength he has given me and continue to ask him for more daily.

On another note, I went to the therapist on Thursday and told her about holding the baby and feeling like in a few months I think I will be ready to start TTC again. I then told her I had anxiety the next day and felt guilty and like we would hurt Bryanna's feelings when we had a new baby. She then told me I needed to go back and look through my pregnancy books because developmentally when Bryanna was born she didn't have the emotions to feel jealousy. Great thanks lady..I'm not taking about Bryanna when she was born I'm talking about Bryanna's spirit. My baby was born with a spirit and a soul. I don't care where she was developmentally when she was born...I don't care what you think she can feel or not. I don't even want to hear that her kicking my hand when I poked at her was a reflex...these were my feelings of my baby and your medical jargon doesn't help or make how I feel go away. I'm not going back to read pregnancy books and tourture myself. I know it's silly to feel that her feelings will be hurt by ud trying again but that's how I feel. For the most part I like my therapist so I know that this clash won't get in the way of our progress. She is really helpful even if she doesn't see that I'm looking at things spiritually and not medically...

Empty Cradle

In April I found out about a support group for couples who have gone through a loss like ours. We were given a packet of information the day after Bryanna was born. When we left the hospital that day it was packed into Bryan's backpack he had with him at the hospital and I didn't touch it for 2 months. One afternoon I was cleaning our room and decided to go through his backpack so I could put it away. I pulled out a folder and a book that we were given in the hospital. This packet of information had I chosen to read it in my depressed state would have saved me a lot of trouble. The day following Bryanna's death we struggled with the question of how to tell the boys...had we gone through this info we would have found the way. 5 weeks after we lost Bryanna I had to go to the hospital for heart palpitations...had I read the packet again I would have found out it was normal for our loss. So many questions we had would have been answered in that packet and book that was sent home with us. Of course in our state of numbness we weren't able to take in anything that was said to us on the day after our baby girl went to Heaven.

Another thing I found in the packet was a phone number for a support group for other bereaved parents. The first number I called was for the one at the hospital. That number was no longer in service and when I called the social worker who had worked with us in the hospital her number was no longer her number and once I got ahold of her number my message went unanswered. I didn't see it then but perhaps it was a sign from God that the group I was lead to instead was meant to be my "home."

I called the second number and got a voice mail, but I left a voice mail and later that night someone called me back. He explained his loss to me and said his wife and him found so much comfort in these meetings. I missed the April meeting by a day, but last month in May Bryan and I found ourselves at the meeting. It was more difficult than I had expected and the days following that meeting I fell into anxiety again. I wasn't sure I would return..I wasn't sure it would help my healing process at this month. However, as the weeks got closer to the next meeting I found myself thinking of the women there...wanting more of their stories, and wondering how they were holding up from last month's meeting.

Tonight was the second meeting I attended. I went alone, which caused anxiety for the majority of the day. Once there I felt at peace being surrounded by these people again. These strangers who I would have never met expect for our horrible common bond. I found myself wanting to reach out to these women to offer hugs to them as they cried telling their stories. I found myself wanting a hug from them as I told my own. There is no judging in this room because we have all been through the same thing..we have all lost a child that we wanted so badly. While we may not all grieve the same we can all relate to one another because we have been there or are going through that now. I am so thankful I was able to stumble upon this group of people. I am so thankful for that added push that sent me to the meeting again today while I was thinking it would be simple to just back out and reduce my anxiety. I am so glad I went tonight because I walked away with not only a sense of comfort but also some new friendships.

I held a baby!

Yep, that's right. I, Gina, held a baby...the woman for the past 4 months who has run from all babies and pregnant women. The woman who just recently had a 4 month old baby girl in my home and ran downstairs twice to cry! My friend and I went out to lunch today and I asked her to bring along her little boy. Little did I know her husband was home and was going to give her an adults only lunch time for the two of us, but she brought her little boy along. He was beautiful. He is 6 months old and the happiest baby I have ever seen. He kept looking at me and smiling. I told him I was going to bring him home with me and he gave me the biggest smile ever! I loved every minute of it. After lunch I asked to hold him and he rested his sweet little head on my shoulder...my heart melted. At that moment I knew I was in trouble. Baby fever hit and it hit hard. I was even more gone when I fed him his bottle and he looked at me the entire time. He had me wrapped around his finger in an instant. It felt so natural to hold him and feed him.

I want a baby. I was so excited at the thought of trying again. Thinking that sometime in the near future we could try again. As far as my body goes its ready to carry a baby again...its just me emotionally healing from the loss of Bryanna still. I have gotten so much better this month. I feel happier and keep being told that I'm starting to seem more like myself. It's so nice to hear these words again. So nice to have a picture taken of myself and see me smiling.

I see little pieces of me coming back, but I think at the same time it terrifies me. Is it ok to start feeling better? It's only been 4 months...this is the month she was supposed to be born. Is it ok to start feeling better this month and want to think about having a baby again this month of all months? Maybe it's Bryanna's way of saying it's time for us to move on. Maybe she's the one that sent the calm over me the other day. I slowly feel myself making me anxious again and I attempt to push those feelings aside. I know I'm going to be ok...I know that there are only 13 more days in this month and then it will all be over. I know that no matter how long I grieve for Bryanna it won't make her come back, I know I can't/couldn't continue to live my life with me punishing myself. I couldn't continue to ask myself why or look for reasons why...but why does it feel so wrong to be feeling better? Why do I fear getting over the hurt that this has caused? And then even thoughts of trying again scare me..i'm filled with what if this happens again? For so long everyone has told me that I didn't cause this, but what if it happens again..then did I? What if my body continues to fail me?

I'm reading a book right now called A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss. I know that all these feeling i'm feeling are normal. It's helped reading those words and knowing that other people have felt this way. I honestly can't say enough good things about this book. It has made me realize that you have to walk through the darkness to get to the sunlight again. It has helped me see that the lost of Bryanna was like an amputation of a body part...it's a part of me I can never get back. It has also helped me see what might have been "normal" for me in the beginning will never be the same "normal" for me again. I have seen life in a different way. I have seen how fragile it is, and how beautiful it can be all at the same time. I know I have walked through my darkness and am attempting to make my way back to the sunlight. I will emerge a stronger person. My marriage will pull through a stronger marriage and my family bounds will be stronger because of what we have gone through together. My kids will forever know that they have a baby sister and future children of ours will be brought up knowing they have an older sister who is an angel. Our life will continue but Bryanna will forever be part of it.

And then she was calm...

Last night while in bed I had this calming effect come over me. It was as if though I knew I would be ok and everything was going to be ok. Almost as if someone had placed their hands on me and said you are going to get through this and the anxiety and pain will go away. Of course this was after praying all day for God to take away the anxiety and the pain. Oddly enough its the same calming effect that came over me about 2 months before we got pregnant with Bryanna. I had often wondered if I would ever get pregnant and in the back of my mind I think I had always known I wouldn't. Then one day I was sitting there and a calm came over me and I just knew it was God saying we would have a baby one day. Therapy went well today and there were no tears. I've also been able to take half a xanax a day instead of a whole one which has been a nice change. I'm slowly trying to wean myself off of it all together. I feel more hopeful and just over all a lot better.

Yesterday Bryan gave me a bag that had two little girl onsies and a 6 pack of ballet slipper socks. I hadn't seen this bag since the day we went to the hospital. Amazingly enough I did not cry as I looked through the bag and didn't cry as I put it all away in her box. I'm ok with doing this. It still hurts but it doesn't make me as anxious. I feel like I've grown so much just in this past month. I still look forward to this month being over but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be...I am so thankful for my wonderful Family and Friends they have helped me so much!

What Makes a Mother

What Makes A Mother

(by Jennifer Wasik)

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today.

I asked what makes a Mother

And I know I heard him say.

A Mother has a baby

This we know is true.

But God can you be a Mother

When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can He replied

With confidence in His voice

I give many women babies

When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime

And others for a day.

And some I send to fill your womb

But there's no need to stay

I just don't understand this,

God I want my baby here

took a breath and cleared His throat

And then I saw a tear.

I wish I could show you

What your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile

With other children and say

"We go to earth to learn our lessons

Of love and life and fear.

My Mommy loved me oh so much

I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom

Who had so much love for me

I learned my lesson very quickly

My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much

But I visit her each day.

When she goes to sleep

On her pillow's where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek

And whisper in her ear.

Mommy don't be sad today

I'm your baby and I'm here.

"So you see my dear sweet one

Your children are ok

Your babies are here in My home

And this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you here with Me

Until your lesson is through.

And on the day that you come home

They'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother

It's the feeling in your heart.

It's the love you had so much of

Right from the very start.

Through some on earth may not realize

you are a Mother, Until their time is done.

They'll be up here with Me one day

And you know you're the best one!

Gray tshirt..

I have a gray tshirt. It sits in my closet untouched and unworn for over four months. Occasionally as I'm going through my closet looking for something to wear I will rest my hands upon it for a brief moment and continue to look for something to wear. It may just be a gray tshirt to anyone else but to me it's the shirt I was wearing during my hospital stay..the shirt I was wearing when my beautiful little girl came into this world. I put the tshirt on Sunday February 8th and didn't take it off until the evening on February 11th. The tshirt was washed and hung and never worn again. It is a shirt I will most likely never be able to part with and at some point I'm sure it will end up in a box of her things. It's crazy how a piece of clothing can go from nothing special to something filled with so many memories. Today as I was sitting in church this shirt crossed my mind. Funny how memories can pop into you mind at such random times.

On a side note the first day we started going to church was about three weeks after Bryanna was born. I remember that first mass being difficult to get through. As I was sitting there in church a very pregnant woman walked in. She sat a few rows ahead of us and I about lost it when I saw her belly and watched as she lovingly touched her belly throughout mass. I wanted so badly to be in her shoe. Well, never again did I see her in church until today. She walked in with her son and her new born baby girl. Seeing her I recognized her right away, and smiled. I silently said a small prayer for her and thanked God that she was able to deliver a beautiful healthy baby. It was such an empowering moment for me. I didn't cry! I simply smiled and said the prayer. During mass when she picked up her daughter to burp her I smiled again and thought one day we will have our chance...

It's time to strengthen my faith

Recently I have been reading a blog about another mom who lost her dear sweet baby. Her blog makes me realize that it's time to strengthen my faith. While I've always have faith I don't think it's as strong as it needs to be. Going through a loss like we have experienced you either turn to God or you turn you back on him. We chose to turn to him, but I'm not sure my faith is as strong as it should be. I still have so many questions that have never been answered and I daily wonder "why?" Why us? Why our family? Why our baby? What did we do to deserve this? I'm sure I will never have my answers but maybe I need to stop looking for answers. Maybe I need to learn to trust God more and know that there is a reason why our dear sweet Bryanna is no longer with us. As I was reading that blog yesterday I ran across a quote..after reading it it hit me pretty hard. It spoke to me and I felt such strength in it that I decided to share it here.

"While God doesn't always give answers to your questions, he always gives himself."

Reading this quote made me realize I need to stop looking for answers. I need to stop looking for reasons to be sick or thinking I'm sick. I need to stop looking for answers as to why this happened. The truth is we will never know, and I will continue to drive myself crazy until I learn to stop looking for something. I need to be thankful that while Bryanna is no longer on this earth with us and we will never be able to raise her she is resting in a wonderful place. She is one of God's angels. I've said it in a previous post but how lucky are we to have our very own guardian angel that we created. I know that I need to start healing so that one day soon we can start trying again. The only way this is going to be possible is to turn to God and to stop looking for answers in every little thing. I need to learn to put trust into my Dr's again, and continue to pray to get me through my day. I need to stop worrying if we will ever be able to have a baby again and just rest assure that when God is ready to bless us again we will once again have a baby. God has sent me the most amazing family and friends to get me through my rough time. I need to learn to take his little sign and signs from Bryanna to get me through the day. I need to learn to cherish everything in my life again and as cheesy as it sounds stop to smell the roses every now and then.

Sweet Silver Lining

One night I was watching tv and just happened to hear this song. It was one night that I was especially missing Bryanna and the words to the song were so fitting for me..and of course made a perfect blog title so here are the lyrics for you to read.

Sweet Silver Lining

Im going home

Downhearted and hoping

Im close to some new beginning

I know

Theres a reason for everything

That comes and goes

But so many people are looking to me

To be strong and to fight

But Im just surviving

I may be weak but Im never defeated

And Ill keep believing

In clouds with that sweet silver lining

Most days

I try my best to put on a brave face

But inside

My bones are cold and my heart breaks

But all the while

Somethings keeping me safe

And alive

Chorus

I wont give up like this

I will be given strength

And now that Ive found it

Nothing can take that away

*Kate Voegele

Bryanna's Story

I should share my dear sweet Bryanna's story with all of you. This did not start out like a normal memorial blog since I did not start at the beginning of our journey...instead I'm using it now as a healing process. However I suppose in order to heal you have to start from the beginning.

Bryan and I had wanted to have a baby for sometime however I knew from my past marriage that it wouldn't be that simple for us. We tried...or didn't try just didn't prevent for about a year maybe longer. With no success and after we were finally settled in California I decided to go see a fertility Dr. Since we had been trying for a year with no luck they were able to see us without waiting. I remember going to the Dr in July for a normal well woman appointment and told her that we had been trying for a year with no luck. She put in a referral to the Fertility Dr and said it could take a few days for them to call back and even when they did it would probably take a few weeks to get an appointment. Well I left that appointment and went to Target to get some shopping done. While I was there I got a call from the fertility Dr's and they could get me in the following week! It was amazing I hadn't expected to hear from them for awhile. Anyway I set up my first appointment and went in. It was just a basic exam and we set up some testing and had to set up some testing for Bryan. After going through the testing all the results came back normal. After worrying for so long that something was wrong with my body I was normal. I went back to the fertility Dr's one day in October for another check up and they were going to start me on Clomid but just before they did they wanted to see if I was going to ovulate. At this point they though the only issue was I didn't ovulate on my own. Well imagine my surprise when they did an internal ultrasound and found out I was about to ovulate! They told me to go home and get "busy" and come back two days later. If I had no yet ovulated they would help me along. Well I came back two days later and guess what...I had ovulated! They told me to test two weeks later which would have been October 20th. They told me our chances of getting pregnant this cycle were great! So at that point I began treating my body like I was pregnant. Did I know yet? No. Did I have an idea I was? No but I prayed that I was. The Friday before I was due to test I started cramping. It seriously felt like someone was screwing a screw into my uterus. I'm not one to cramp before my cycle starts so I knew something was different. Well my friend happened to be in town that week and we had gone to Disney Land on that Sunday so in the rush I never got around to getting a test so I didn't get to test first thing in the morning on the 20th. Right after work I high tailed it to walmart and picked up a pregnancy test. I was going to wait until the next morning but I just couldn't. I ran downstairs when I got home and POAS. Within seconds I got two lines! Were my eyes playing tricks on me? Were there really two lines? Could it really be possible? I ran upstairs and grabbed my friend Emily and she looked at it with me. We still couldn't figure it out and called Bryan to look...he came down and said "Looks like you are pregnant!" OMG I was pregnant! I seriously took 5 home pregnancy test within the next two days and two blood test within that week to confirm I was pregnant!

My pregnancy was beautiful. I really didn't get morning sickness. More like evening sickness and I would get sick on the weekends. I was always able to go to work. Every appointment went beautifully. I always heard her heartbeat right away and it was always strong and fast. She would move around so much when we saw her on the ultrasound and she would just make me giggle seeing her move. I couldn't believe after so many years of not thinking I could have a child I had a baby...a life growing inside of me. I was a nervous mommy and always worried that something was wrong. No one ever tells you that when you are pregnant you will feel all kind of crazy pains. I never realized that I would feel every little stretch and pull on my body..I didn't realize I would feel my uterus expand as she grew. All these little pains were brand new to me and sent me into panic mode. Everything was always normal though. As the months went on I became more comfortable with what was going on and I was enjoying my expanding waist line. The holidays came and went without much thought. I went about cooking and attempting to eat the holiday meals I made. I was over joyed knowing that the following year our little one would be here with us. I kept imagining how old she would be at that point and I was so excited. We had even planned to go to Texas for her first Christmas to be around family. Finally my first trimester was over and I could officially settle into being relaxed. It was real...we had made it through the first trimester we were going to get through this and bring home a baby! I began to look forward to shopping and even started talking to my mom about the baby shower. We had even picked out the weekend we were going home for it.

On January 30/31st. I had fallen asleep on the couch like I usually did only this time I woke up to what I felt was a huge gush. I ran to the bathroom and to my surprise there was nothing there. Relieved I went downstairs to go back to bed. The following days were filled with uncertainty. I felt like something just wasn't right but didn't know what. Finally on Feb. 3rd I went into my midwives office and demanded to be seen. They assured me that everything was fine and that she couldn't see me because she was booked all day. I left a message for her and went to work. She called me an hour later and told me to come in for a check up. I went in right away and was diagnosed with Bacterial Vaginiosis (BV). She made it seem like it was no big deal and that antibiotics woudl take it away. Little did I know it was a HUGE deal. When I got home from work that night I googled it and found out that it could cause preterm labor and infections. I should mention that it took two days for me to get my antibiotics to fix this issue since the pharmacy is always packed. I finally called in sick to work on Thursday Feb. 5th to wait two hours to get my prescription filled. On Feb. 6th we went in for our "Big" Ultrasound and everything went amazing. She was measuring on time and my cervix was closed and all the fluid was still around her. This is the appointment we found out we were having a baby girl. We left that appointment so excited! We were having a princess! I calmed down alittle because everything had checked out fine. Our little girl was prefect and she was going to be just fine. Little did I know on Sunday morning my life would begin to fall apart.

On Sunday February 8th I woke up spotting. I tried to convince myself it was normal and went about my morning. Bryan was cooking breakfast and after breakfast we were going to register for baby gifts..this day had been planned since the end of December after all. Well I kept going to the bathroom and I kept spotting...I sat down to have breakfast and went downstairs to start getting dressed. I went to the bathroom one more time and the spotting had turned into bleeding. I calmly walked out of our bedroom and called up to Bryan that we had to go to the hospital because I was bleeding. I went back into our room and threw on some clothing and came up stairs to put on my shoes...at this point I was bawling. Of course like everything else goes in life we needed gas before we could go to the hospital. So we stop to get gas and then in the kaos of everything Bryan misses the entrance to the freeway so we have to go the long way. We finally get to the hospital and they get me in right away. All the while they are trying to assure me that sometimes bleeding during pregnancy is normal. As soon as they layed me down to do the exam I knew something wasn't right. This wasn't one of those everything is going to be OK moments. The Dr explained that she couldn't check my cervix because my membranes were exposed and I was dilated. Dilated? I was a few days of 20 weeks how could that be possible? They immediately wheeled me up to labor and delivery. I remember the orderlies who rolled me up were joking and talking about what lunch was going to be! How could they be having such a casual conversation when my world was falling apart?

I got checked into L&D and Bryan and the boys were waiting up there for me already. Again I was checked out again and I was definitely dilated but they were hopefully that if they put me on bed rest gravity would take effect and everything would go back up and they could sew me up and the pregnancy would continue. I remember being rolled into another room and as I was another woman went into labor I heard all the Dr's and nurses around her and then the baby came out crying. I lost it. This woman was having her baby and I knew my story wasn't going to end that way. I had Dr's coming in and out for the remainder of the day and finally it was getting late so Bryan was going to take the boys home and get stuff together so he could call out of work the next day. I ended up starting to have contractions so he had to come back up and all 5 of us slept in the hospital room together. The next morning one of his friends came to get the boys for us and more Dr's came in. Now there was talk of infections. There was an infection it was the only thing that would cause her to come early. If the infection got into me I could possibly die as well. They didn't give us much hope for her. If we held off 4 more weeks I could get sick and die or she would be severely handicap. We had to have an amino done...something that I never wanted to have done and yet here I was getting ready for one to find out if there was indeed an infection. The test results were to come back in 4 hours...those must have been the longest 4 hours of my life. When the results came back we were on the "cusp" of there being an infection. They didn't know if there wasn't an infection yet or if the antibiotics were just barley keeping it away. We knew the choice was coming but we tried to put it off. I was still having contractions although they weren't getting any worse they weren't getting any better.

Tuesday February 10th was the hardest day for us. It was the day we had to make our choice. We decided to induce labor. She was coming anyway just not fast enough. We couldn't risk both of us dying and it wasn't fair to prolong her pain for our selfishness. When we made the choice to have her I just wanted it over with. I was scared that infection was getting worse and I didn't want to prolong the enveitable. Finally around 5pm they wheeled us back in L&D and gave me a pill to induce labor. Before I knew it I was in labor. I had an epidural because the pain was too much. I was terrified. Bryan held my hand and looked into my eyes the entire time they were giving me the epidural. He was amazing. I don't know what I would have done withouth him. Being as terrified as I was he had to remind me to breath. As soon as they were done giving me the epidural she was coming. Two pushes and she was out. I remember watching it through the tv monitor that was off. I could see everything in the screen. When she was born she didn't cry like you expect to hear when a baby is born. When they handed her to me she was so tiny. It took me a few mintues to realize that she was still alive. It was heartbreaking watching her little neck rise and fall with each breath she took. We were so amazed that she was alive! But heartbroken at the same time that she was too little for them to do anything for her. We held her and told her we loved her and I remember telling her over and over again that I was so sorry. Our little fighter was alive for an hour and 39 mintues. She was born at 6:53pm.

Two weeks later we would find out that her official cause of death was infection of the placenta.

4 months

Today marks 4 months since our beautiful baby girl Bryanna was born. It also marks 4 months since our beautiful baby girl went on to become one of God's most beautiful angels. Its amazing how much your life can change in just 4 months. I use to be so optimistic and now I just live in fear and sadness. It has gotten better but everyday that gets closer to her due date has me filled with "what might have been." I know you can't live life like that and yet it makes it so hard to think any other way right now. Today for instance I was filled with sadness because its been 4 months and yet yesterday my mind was filled with the fact that I would have been 37 weeks.

I should have been expecting our beautiful baby any day now, but instead I only have the memories of her. Don't get me wrong the memories I shared with her are amazing. She started moving so early on. I can remember sitting on this couch on January 6th in the same position that I'm sitting on the couch now and I felt the first little flutters. Funny how your mind remembers dates like that. At that point in my pregnancy I was only 14 weeks along. It seemed a bit early to be feeling her but I was so excited. I remember one night a few weeks later I was laying in bed and had my hand on my stomach and felt her kick my hand off! My tiny baby girl was already kicking my hand off my stomach! I remember sharing these moments with my mom and telling her that Bryan felt a little left out because he hadn't felt her yet and she told me to "cherish these moments because they are you and your child bonding." The little flutters were amazing...some days I would lay in bed and it would feel like she was doing cartwheels in my stomach! Such a neat little feeling. As time went on I got was more and more excited I would feel her more and I even got to the point where after one Dr's appointment I went shopping for her. At this point in time I didn't know she was a girl yet so I bought your basic tshirts and onsies and yellow blankets. It was a fun little shopping experience. I was hooked on shopping for our baby! There was also a time while Bryan the kids and I were shopping at target. I was getting ready to check out but was looking at movies. Bryan was a couple of feet away from me and raised his voice at one of the boys and she jumped! Oh man she already knew her daddy's voice and he did not sound happy. It made me giggle that she had that reaction to his voice. Another such memory was at target yet again...I was shopping for a friends little girl and Bryanna was kicking up a storm I remember telling her "we will be shopping for you again in just a few day when we find out what you are." I then giggled and said "you are either upset that I'm shopping for another little girl or upset that I'm in the girls department because you are a little boy." Well a few days later we indeed found out we were having a little princess. What a magical amazing day. Everything with the ultrasound was amazing and she was just beautiful and perfect! As soon as we got out of the appointment and told our family we were having a little girl they were already calling her a princess and were over joyed! The boys were just as excited. Even being in the hospital I have a few memories with her that I will always cherish..its little things like this that I need to pull me through the bad days.

Getting them out on here just now has made me relive them and realize just how lucky we were to have those 20 weeks with her. Just how lucky we were to have that amazing hour and 39 minutes with her. She got to feel us and we got to touch her and tell her exactly how much we love her. We got to send her on to an amazing place, but God blessed us with a fraction in time with her something that we will forever be grateful for. We are lucky enough to have our very own guardian angel in heaven. An angel that spent a part of her time growing in me. An angel that was created out of love by Bryan and I. It doesn't make me miss her any less and want her here any less but everyday I have to come to terms with the fact that this is the plan that God had in store for us. I also have to come to terms with the fact that one day God will bless us again with another beautiful baby that we will be able to raise. A dear friend told me not too long back that when we get pregnant again the baby will be OK because Bryanna will be there coaching the baby through the pregnancy and that thought makes me smile. I know now that one day when we have another baby we will not be replacing Bryanna but simply adding on to our family and giving her a sibling as well.

In the next few days I will be sharing more of Bryanna's story and the story of our family and how we are coping and dealing. This is meant to be a sort of therapy for me as I have seen it work for others. It's also putting Bryanna's story out there so that she is not forgotten.

**I want to take a moment and thank my dear sweet friend Jess who talked me into do this blog as a healing process. Just in my first entry I have seen that this will be helpful. Thank you Jess. I love you very much and can't wait to see little Ms. Ryleigh.**