I'm Alive

For so long I have been terrified. For six long months I have thought I was sick and dying. Am I? No...but it's amazing what you can make yourself believe when you have a broken heart. I have been terrified of everything under the sun. Lived with thinking my intestines were going to explode, my heart was racing so I must be having a heart attack, my stomach must be bleeding, I must have an aneurysm because my head hurts. Again, there is nothing wrong with me...I'm just sad and hurting. I try to find a reason why Bryanna's not here with us, and the honest truth is there is no good reason. God just wanted her, so that has to be reason enough. But as for me, I need to live my life again, and stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to give myself to my family again and most of all me. The way I have been living for 6 long months is no way to live. No one should ever have to lose a child, and go through the heartache that we have been through. We went through it..we are going through it. We are strong, and yet still feel so weak all at the same time. We miss her every single day, and I often wonder what she would look like now as a full grown baby, but we will never know. A good friend today told me that I need to be stronger because I need to be the mommy she needs. I never even thought that she still needed me. However I do know for sure I don't enjoy her looking down on me and seeing me in pain.

As I was driving today I heard this song and the words stopped me in my place and I thought wow! That's how I need to view life now. So for now this is my new theme song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfuMecxRfFo

footprints

"These are my footprints,

so perfect and so small.

These tiny footprints

never touched the ground at all.

Not one tiny footprint,

for now I have wings.

These tiny footprints were meant

for other things.

You will hear my tiny footprints,

in the patter of the rain.

Gentle drops like angel's tears,

of joy and not from pain.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in each butterflies' lazy dance.

I'll let you know I'm with you,

if you just give me the chance.

You will see my tiny footprints,

in the rustle of the leaves.

I will whisper names into the wind,

and call each one that grieves.

Most of all, these tiny footprints,

are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.

'Cause even though I'm gone now,

We'll never truly part."

Who You'd Be Today

It's been awhile since my last post. Not on purpose as I think of Bryanna everyday of my life, just difficult to find the words. I have started many blogs only to walk away and not come back to it later. However, today I was going over her blog like I do daily and I was listening to the words of the songs that I have playing on here.

A few days after Bryanna was born I head the song "Who You'd Be Today." I sat here and bawled my eyes out. I have heard the song many times and listened to the words, but it wasn't until this point that the words touched me so much. I dread hearing the words to this song but just now as I was listening to it these words stood out...

It ain't fair you died to young

like a story that had just begun

but death tore all the pages away

God knows how I miss you

and all the hell that i've been through

Just knowing no one can take your place

Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today

How true these words ring for me. These lyrics could have been written for our story alone. She did die to young, and it kills me she wont ever get to live her life. I have been through hell and back in this process. The fear, the anxiety, the depression...no one should ever have to go through this. With the help of my family I have finally overcome the anxiety for the most part and I'm officially off the Xanax. However I told my friend today that in a way this is just yet another obstacle to overcome. It's almost harder now knowing I'm coping on my own because it just reminds me of a quote I once heard..

"It hurts to breathe because I know every breath I
take proves I can live without you."

It's almost the same way without the xanax now. Now that I'm doing this on my own again it only proves that I'm functioning again. Such a great thing because I can start to put all the pieces back in order again and start trying again, but so hard at the same time because it's not natural carry on after a child dies. You shouldn't outlive you child and yet Bryan and I have done that very thing. She will forever be apart of us, and I know its encouraging from her that has made this process go a little easier for me. After all her little signs from above I'm able to function again. In a away its almost like I know no matter what she is always around us....