For so long I have been terrified. For six long months I have thought I was sick and dying. Am I? No...but it's amazing what you can make yourself believe when you have a broken heart. I have been terrified of everything under the sun. Lived with thinking my intestines were going to explode, my heart was racing so I must be having a heart attack, my stomach must be bleeding, I must have an aneurysm because my head hurts. Again, there is nothing wrong with me...I'm just sad and hurting. I try to find a reason why Bryanna's not here with us, and the honest truth is there is no good reason. God just wanted her, so that has to be reason enough. But as for me, I need to live my life again, and stop feeling sorry for myself. I need to give myself to my family again and most of all me. The way I have been living for 6 long months is no way to live. No one should ever have to lose a child, and go through the heartache that we have been through. We went through it..we are going through it. We are strong, and yet still feel so weak all at the same time. We miss her every single day, and I often wonder what she would look like now as a full grown baby, but we will never know. A good friend today told me that I need to be stronger because I need to be the mommy she needs. I never even thought that she still needed me. However I do know for sure I don't enjoy her looking down on me and seeing me in pain.
As I was driving today I heard this song and the words stopped me in my place and I thought wow! That's how I need to view life now. So for now this is my new theme song.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZfuMecxRfFo
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Sunday, August 16, 2009
footprints
"These are my footprints,
so perfect and so small.
These tiny footprints
never touched the ground at all.
Not one tiny footprint,
for now I have wings.
These tiny footprints were meant
for other things.
You will hear my tiny footprints,
in the patter of the rain.
Gentle drops like angel's tears,
of joy and not from pain.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in each butterflies' lazy dance.
I'll let you know I'm with you,
if you just give me the chance.
You will see my tiny footprints,
in the rustle of the leaves.
I will whisper names into the wind,
and call each one that grieves.
Most of all, these tiny footprints,
are found on Mommy and Daddy's hearts.
'Cause even though I'm gone now,
We'll never truly part."
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Who You'd Be Today
It's been awhile since my last post. Not on purpose as I think of Bryanna everyday of my life, just difficult to find the words. I have started many blogs only to walk away and not come back to it later. However, today I was going over her blog like I do daily and I was listening to the words of the songs that I have playing on here.
A few days after Bryanna was born I head the song "Who You'd Be Today." I sat here and bawled my eyes out. I have heard the song many times and listened to the words, but it wasn't until this point that the words touched me so much. I dread hearing the words to this song but just now as I was listening to it these words stood out...
A few days after Bryanna was born I head the song "Who You'd Be Today." I sat here and bawled my eyes out. I have heard the song many times and listened to the words, but it wasn't until this point that the words touched me so much. I dread hearing the words to this song but just now as I was listening to it these words stood out...
It ain't fair you died to younglike a story that had just begunbut death tore all the pages awayGod knows how I miss youand all the hell that i've been throughJust knowing no one can take your placeSometimes I wonder who you'd be today
How true these words ring for me. These lyrics could have been written for our story alone. She did die to young, and it kills me she wont ever get to live her life. I have been through hell and back in this process. The fear, the anxiety, the depression...no one should ever have to go through this. With the help of my family I have finally overcome the anxiety for the most part and I'm officially off the Xanax. However I told my friend today that in a way this is just yet another obstacle to overcome. It's almost harder now knowing I'm coping on my own because it just reminds me of a quote I once heard..
"It hurts to breathe because I know every breath I
take proves I can live without you."
It's almost the same way without the xanax now. Now that I'm doing this on my own again it only proves that I'm functioning again. Such a great thing because I can start to put all the pieces back in order again and start trying again, but so hard at the same time because it's not natural carry on after a child dies. You shouldn't outlive you child and yet Bryan and I have done that very thing. She will forever be apart of us, and I know its encouraging from her that has made this process go a little easier for me. After all her little signs from above I'm able to function again. In a away its almost like I know no matter what she is always around us....
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Spirit Baby
A friend shared this story with me a few months back, and as we now prepare to start trying again sometime soon I can only hope that some of these words ring true.
Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I’d miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery. Stunned w hen the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I’d just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I’d been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I’d be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it’s a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother." I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don’t you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don’t? I mean, you’re my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here’s how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that’s the baby that’s born. If she doesn’t get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby’s born…now listen, Mom, because here’s the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it’s always first in line. Isn’t that great?"So you just have to get pregnant again, and you’ll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don’t, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman’s circle, and it’ll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born. "But it’d be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really. I’ve always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I’m talking about here, Mom."In spite of Colin’s certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn’t give up and even enlisted his sister’s support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I’d told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. "Colin, I don’t understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?"He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply."Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!" Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it."It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision. So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there’s no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we "needed a baby in the house." Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed – and made a giant leap of faith. I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it.
Spirit Baby
Colin, my twelve-year-old son, discovered me late one rainy afternoon sitting at the kitchen table, a damp Kleenex crumpled in my left hand, wiping my eyes as I tried to compose myself for his sake. It was the third week of January, two months after I’d miscarried a pregnancy, but I still found it impossible to get through a day without at least one meltdown into misery. Stunned w hen the test came back positive, Rog and I had stared at each other with doubt and ambivalence. At forty-one, my professional life consumed me. I’d just achieved what some had predicted was an impossibility: I’d been granted delivery privileges at Alta Bates, and as a consequence, my midwifery practice burgeoned. Some months I delivered twelve babies, and no one ever knew if or when I’d be home. Rog, too, felt stretched to his limits, keeping his business afloat while picking up the slack for my frequent unscheduled absences. Colin and Jill approached their challenging adolescent years. How could we fit an infant into our lives? But when I lost the pregnancy and all hope for resolution dissolved with my tears, I fell in love with the baby that was not to be.Colin asked, "Are you crying about the baby?" and when I nodded tearfully, he said, "Well, you just have to have another one, Mom, because it’s a Spirit Baby, and you should be its mother." I must have looked puzzled because he said, "Don’t you know about Spirit Babies? How could I know about them if you don’t? I mean, you’re my mom!" But he could see my perplexity.So my first child, this not-yet-teenaged boy, pulled a wooden chair to my side and draped his thin arm across my shoulders, saying, "Well, Mom, here’s how it is. See, I was one myself, so that must be how I know. Anyway, every woman has a circle of babies that goes around and around above her head, and those are all the possible babies she could have in her whole life. Every month, one of those babies is first in line. If she gets pregnant, then that’s the baby that’s born. If she doesn’t get pregnant, the baby goes back into the circle and keeps going around with all the others. If she gets pregnant but something bad happens before the baby’s born…now listen, Mom, because here’s the really cool part. It goes back into the circle, but it becomes a Spirit Baby, and all the other babies give it cuts. Each month, it’s always first in line. Isn’t that great?"So you just have to get pregnant again, and you’ll have the same Spirit Baby. If you don’t, though, then the baby circle will just beam that little Spirit Baby over to some other woman’s circle, and it’ll be first in line for her. It keeps being first in line somewhere until it finally gets born. "But it’d be a shame for you not to have it yourself, because I know how much you want it. So you just have to try again. Mom, remember that baby you lost before I was born?" I nodded wordlessly. "Well, that was me. Really. I’ve always known I was a Spirit Baby. I mean, I know what I’m talking about here, Mom."In spite of Colin’s certainty that our household, so often bordering on chaos, lacked only an infant to make things perfect, Rog and I demurred. But Colin didn’t give up and even enlisted his sister’s support. Driving with them in the car one evening, I looked at my son in the passenger seat beside me. He stared out the side window and tried to hide his tears, but I saw the flush on his face, the shaking of his shoulders, and the surreptitious swipe of hand across cheek.Six months had passed since my miscarriage, and I had just finished yet another discussion in which I’d told my pleading son that having a third baby at my age was out of the question. I reached over the space between us and squeezed his fingers. "Colin, I don’t understand this passion you have for a baby. Why do you want one so much?"He tore his gaze from the distant hills and looked at me with swimming eyes and trembling lips. In a choking voice, he put all of his twelve-year-old passion into his reply."Oh, Mom! Oh. Just for the joy of it!" Jill stretched forward from the back seat and placed a hand on each of our shoulders. "Yeah, Mom, just for the joy of it."It was my turn to look out the side window and struggle with misty vision. So, at a time when most women eye the empty nest at the end of their branch on the family tree with something approaching relief, I gave consideration to laying just one more egg. Several months of discussions peppered with doubt and disbelief followed. Although Rog and I made the final decision, there’s no denying that a big part of our decision to have a third child began with the insistence of our adolescent children that we "needed a baby in the house." Rog and I took a deep breath, looked at each other across the blond heads of those two wishful children, swallowed – and made a giant leap of faith. I conceived my Spirit Baby a week later. Just for the joy of it.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
Family Portrait
Last night the boys were sitting at the table coloring. Bryan and I were laying on the couch watching TV. When they were done Bryan asked to see what they drew and our oldest son brought us this...
If you look closely at the very end where Kobe is standing you can see another little pink figure to represent Bryanna. I can't even begin to explain to you how much this touched me. When I begin to wonder if I'm the only person in the world who still thinks about her my son surprises me and lets me know she is still on his mind as well. I love that he thought enough to add his baby sister into our family picture, and it lets me know just how special she is to him as well. Even now as I type this I'm so touched that I'm on the verge of tears. This picture is currently on my fridge as you can tell by my butterfly magnet, that's the butterfly we see by the way that we call our sign from her, but soon it will take its place on my night stand in a frame. This is a picture that I will forever cherish. You see it's the only family picture that we will ever have that will have her in it. Breaks my heart, but I'm so honored to have this picture to look at now.
On another note, our beautiful butterfly came around again yesterday. I didn't get to see her, but as we were leaving the house she flew by the car and Bryan pointed her out. Guess our little girl wanted to say Hello to daddy yesterday. I'm so very happy for him..while he didn't get a chance to feel her move, it makes me happy knowing she came around for daddy to see. I've noticed lately that he has pointed out Butterflies as well. It makes me happy to know that he thinks of her as well when he sees them. On a funny note..I was at the grocery store yesterday and as I was getting ready to walk out I just happened to look in the floral section and there was a yellow and black butterfly balloon! Guess I did get a little glimpse of her after all.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I'm always with you
Why did you have to go away and leave your mommy so sad and blue?
I'm right here mommy with you always, I thought you already knew.
How come I can't see you or hold you close to me?
You do see me mommy, you just have to open your eyes and there I'll be.
I'm the sunrise in the morning and the sunset @ night.
I'm that star you see in the sky shinning o' so bright.
I'm that flower in your yard that bloomed the other day.
I'm the beautiful butterfly you stopped and watch play.
I'm that soft whisper you hear when no one's around.
I'm the warmth that heals your heart just when you begin to frown.
I'm the colorful rainbow you sometimes see right after a storm.
I'm always near you mommy, I just take many different forms.
I'm in each smile you make and kiss you give away.
I'm apart of you mommy, in every thought and word you say.
I see the tears you cry for me and hear you pray.
I wipe them away with my kisses and help you make it through the day.
We will forever be together this I know for sure.
God sent me to be with you in all that you will endure.
Mommy I wish you could see my magical set of wings.
Exquisite soft white feathers made from all of God's loving things.
I wrap them around you brining comfort and healing.
As i engulf you let go all the pain your heart is feeling.
We meet in your dreams holding hand in hand.
We walk down beaches dragging our feet in the sand.
You also have some friends up here that love you so.
They watch over you where ever you may go.
So when your feeling sad and blue and think I'm not right here.
Just look around at all the beautiful things and know I am near.
~Author~Shannon
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Bryanna
Today I got to thinking about Bryanna's name. Like every other parent when we found out we were pregnant we started playing around with different baby names. We of course had more girl names then boy names. And Bryanna was a name I've always liked.
When Bryan and I first got together I was working at a child development center and there was a little girl name "Bryanna" I loved how it was spelled and knew that one day I would name my little girl that. When Bryan and I got married and I got pregnant we still played around with the name Bryanna, but started coming up with different names as well.
Four days before we had Bryanna we had our big ultrasound and found out that I was in fact pregnant with a little girl. Bryanna came to mind again but still we thought we had time to come up with different names. However, as fate would have it...we didn't have much time at all. All the days I was in the hospital I still wondered what we would name her, and finally on Tuesday I just knew what her name was going to be. Bryan had left for a little while and when he returned to my hospital room I told him I wanted to name her Bryanna and he said ok.
Part of my reason for wanting to name her Bryanna was because he, not only I wanted a baby girl so badly and I wanted to name her in some way after her daddy...another reason we chose to spell it with a "y" instead of "i". However it wasn't until just recently that a friend asked if we combined both of our names to come up with her name. I didn't get what she was saying until she pointed out Bryan "Bryan" and Gina "na" how amazing is it that our little angel's name turned out to be a perfect combination between our two names! It truly was fate and God working with us yet again.
When Bryan and I first got together I was working at a child development center and there was a little girl name "Bryanna" I loved how it was spelled and knew that one day I would name my little girl that. When Bryan and I got married and I got pregnant we still played around with the name Bryanna, but started coming up with different names as well.
Four days before we had Bryanna we had our big ultrasound and found out that I was in fact pregnant with a little girl. Bryanna came to mind again but still we thought we had time to come up with different names. However, as fate would have it...we didn't have much time at all. All the days I was in the hospital I still wondered what we would name her, and finally on Tuesday I just knew what her name was going to be. Bryan had left for a little while and when he returned to my hospital room I told him I wanted to name her Bryanna and he said ok.
Part of my reason for wanting to name her Bryanna was because he, not only I wanted a baby girl so badly and I wanted to name her in some way after her daddy...another reason we chose to spell it with a "y" instead of "i". However it wasn't until just recently that a friend asked if we combined both of our names to come up with her name. I didn't get what she was saying until she pointed out Bryan "Bryan" and Gina "na" how amazing is it that our little angel's name turned out to be a perfect combination between our two names! It truly was fate and God working with us yet again.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
