Sunday, August 9, 2009

Who You'd Be Today

It's been awhile since my last post. Not on purpose as I think of Bryanna everyday of my life, just difficult to find the words. I have started many blogs only to walk away and not come back to it later. However, today I was going over her blog like I do daily and I was listening to the words of the songs that I have playing on here.

A few days after Bryanna was born I head the song "Who You'd Be Today." I sat here and bawled my eyes out. I have heard the song many times and listened to the words, but it wasn't until this point that the words touched me so much. I dread hearing the words to this song but just now as I was listening to it these words stood out...

It ain't fair you died to young
like a story that had just begun
but death tore all the pages away
God knows how I miss you
and all the hell that i've been through
Just knowing no one can take your place
Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today
How true these words ring for me. These lyrics could have been written for our story alone. She did die to young, and it kills me she wont ever get to live her life. I have been through hell and back in this process. The fear, the anxiety, the one should ever have to go through this. With the help of my family I have finally overcome the anxiety for the most part and I'm officially off the Xanax. However I told my friend today that in a way this is just yet another obstacle to overcome. It's almost harder now knowing I'm coping on my own because it just reminds me of a quote I once heard..
"It hurts to breathe because I know every breath I
take proves I can live without you."
It's almost the same way without the xanax now. Now that I'm doing this on my own again it only proves that I'm functioning again. Such a great thing because I can start to put all the pieces back in order again and start trying again, but so hard at the same time because it's not natural carry on after a child dies. You shouldn't outlive you child and yet Bryan and I have done that very thing. She will forever be apart of us, and I know its encouraging from her that has made this process go a little easier for me. After all her little signs from above I'm able to function again. In a away its almost like I know no matter what she is always around us....

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