Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Don't Mourn For Me

Don't Mourn For Me

Mother, please don't mourn for me; I'm still here, though you don't see.
I'm right by your side, each night and day
and within your heart I long to stay.
My body is gone but I'm always near. I'm everything you feel, see or hear.
My spirit is free, but I'll never depart
as long as you keep me alive in your heart.
I'll never wander out of your sight--I'm the brightest star
on a summer night. I'll never be beyond your reach--
I'm the warm moist sand when you're at the beach.
I'm the colorful leaves when fall comes around,
And the pure white snow that blankets the ground.
I'm the beautiful flowers of which you're so fond--
The clear cool water in a quiet pond.
I'm the first bright blossom you'll see in the spring;
the first warm raindrop that April will bring.
I'm the first ray of light when the sun starts to shine,
and you'll see that the face in the moon is mine.
When you start thinking there's no one to love you,
you can talk to me through the Lord above you.
I'll whisper my answer through the leaves on the trees,
and you'll feel my presence in the soft summer breeze.
I'm the hot salty tears that flow when you weep
and the beautiful dreams that come while you sleep.
I'm the smile you see on a baby's face. Just look for me, Mommy,
I'm everyplace!
(Author unknown)

Monday, June 29, 2009

A sad reminder

I was going through my myspace blog that I use to use all the time. As I was flipping through just now I ran across a ticker that I posted when I was pregnant. I locked this specific entry after we lost Bryanna so no one else could see it but I couldn't bring myself to delete it. It really had slipped my mind until just now...

The ticker says I'm 39 weeks and 6 days..only 1 day until my due date. One day...in one day I could have been holding my precious baby. However, that's not the way things were meant to be. I found myself looking at myself in the mirror this afternoon and wondering did I really go through these past 4 months? Did I really have a baby growing in me just 20 short weeks ago, and now there is nothing left? Did I really just go through all of this and survive? It's so surreal thinking we just went through all of this. It's so surreal thinking just 20 weeks ago I was in the hospital getting ready to have my baby, and had I gone into the hospital yesterday she would have been born and everything would have been ok. I find it so odd that she was born 20 weeks too early...2o weeks to the exact date that she was due.

Tomorrow will be a busy day with family, but we are taking a little time to head out to the lake in the morning to release some balloons for her. My reasoning being..if she is going to celebrate with God we at least want to send her some balloons from us to let her know we are thinking about her.

I must confess..this date is making the pain more real..almost like for the past 4 months I have not really believed it until this moment. Yes, I have grieved with every part of my being but this hurts on a whole new level. Luckily my family will be here to keep me busy and we can mourn together and celebrate the day together as well.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

a walk through target

A walk through Target should be an easy task. I love target and when we lived in Hawaii I couldn't wait to spend my days walking through target. When I was pregnant my favorite thing to do was walk through the baby aisle, but now I try to map my way throughout the store without having to pass by the baby aisle. This is not an easy task in our Target.

Somedays I can walk through the store and glance at the baby section and somedays I have to walk through the store with my head turned so I wont even look at it. The anxiety that hits when we round the corner of the shoe section makes me crazy. Will today be the day I can look? or will I have to turn away and pretend it's not there? Everytime I go it's different. The crib that we bought Bryanna just a week prior to going into the hospital is on display..if that isn't bad enough the display is set up for a little girl. Everytime we go in the store I try to avoid the crib all together. Just recently I've began to look at the crib and pray that one day it will hold a baby for us. For now the crib sits in the garage.

Today as I was walking through target I went down the opposite way because I was looking at sleepwear for myself. I happened to be in the mood today to look at the little girls clothing. I tried to keep walking but the little girl's dresses called me in. They were so cute..cute little summer dresses that had things been different Bryanna could have been wearing. I know I can't think like this, but so close to the due date it's hard not to.

I miss my little angel so much right now. I miss her everyday but somedays its just hits me more then others. I'm not going to lie..the next two days will most likely be rough for me, but I'm extremly thankful that my husband has taken the next two weeks off to be with me.

Friday, June 26, 2009


For the past three days anxiety has slowly creeped back into my life. My heart has started racing again and little pains in my stomach are slowly starting back up. I did so well for two weeks, and now we are back to this. I attempted to tell myself Tuesday wouldn't be a big deal, but the closer it gets the more anxious I become.

I know people think Tuesday June 30th should just be another day to me. But the truth is this day approaching hurts me so badly. I know I know Bryanna was born on Tuesday February 10th and that's just the way life turned out. I know February 10th was her birthday and will forever be. However, for 5 months I looked forward to this day, and for the past 4 months I have dreaded this day. Now this day is only 4 days away and the anxiety is creeping in. What will my mood be like that day? If things had turned out different I could be in the hospital having a baby that day. I should have been in the hospital having a baby that day, but for us that isn't happening. We will not get to be having a baby on June 30th meeting her for the first time and being over joyed that she is finally here. Instead it will be just like any other day...with what might have been not too far from our mind.

How do we even begin to approach this day? Do we just let it go and pretend nothing ever happened or do we do something special and then go about our day? How does this work? When her birthday rolls around I know I will be sad and anxious but I know we can do something special for that day...but does the same hold true for Tuesday?

What about tomorrow for that matter? Tomorrow will be 20 weeks since I discovered something was wrong and had to be taken to the hospital. The thought of tomorrow coming makes me super anxious.

Its crazy how fast your life can change. One moment everything is fine and the next everything has fallen apart. How do you rebuild your life after this? In the book I'm reading he says that you just learn to build around it. You don't ever get over the pain you just learn to go on with your life but still feel it there. He says its like an amputation and I honestly feel like part of me is forever gone. It's almost like in a way it took the old me away. It took away my secure feeling, my hopefulness, and excitement for certain things. Slowly I'm trying to get these emotions back but will I ever fully become what I was before? I know I've talked about becoming a different me, but there are parts of the old me I miss. I just don't want to be anxious or scared anymore. I was to look forward to getting pregnant instead of this huge fear that I have in it's place. Bryan and I were talking today and I told him I don't fear I can get pregnant I just fear if I can stay pregnant. I know I should stay far far away from google..but shortly after we got the results of what caused Bryanna's death I googled the world. One of the very first articles I can across said that I am now 2 x's more likely to have this happen again because I've had it happen before. I know I need to look on the bright side and see that many women who have had this happen in the past have gone on to have healthy pregnancies but how?? How in the world do I clear those thoughts from my head? I know God has these amazing plans for our life I just wish I could somehow see what's going on. See the bright side in it all. Everyone keeps telling me they just know we will have a healthy baby...healthy babies..but how can they be so sure when I'm just not?

Monday, June 22, 2009


Holidays the past four months have been hard to deal with. Valentines day we ignored, Easter I cried because everything I tried to do came out wrong, Mother's day was the worse...even yesterday, Father's Day, I woke up a little teary eyed. It hurts thinking what we are missing out on. Overall it was a pretty decent day. The sun was out and we decided to take the kids down to the pool.

As I lay out at the pool yesterday I brought out my book with me. I don't spend much time reading it but when I do I give it my full attention because every word of the book speaks to me and makes me really think. It makes me see things in a different light. Yesterday down by the pool I was reading Chapter 6 The Amputation of Self. In previous chapter Jerry Sittser has talked about how death is a catastrophic loss and how its almost like the amputation of a body part. It's not ever something you can get back. However, something in this chapter that touched me was how after a loss you have to pick up and paint a new portrait of your life. He goes on to say that when he first began repainting his picture he wanted to start off on a small canvas because he didn't know how he could have the same expectations for his life after what he had gone through. On page 87 he goes on to say "Many people who suffer loss are tempted to do the same, lowering their expectations of what they will get out of life. Can any person look forward to a life that falls short of what he or she had planned, wanted, and expected?"

Wow, those words hit me like a ton of bricks! These past 4 months I have done that very thing. Thinking I'm sick, imagining us never having a baby, even the anxiety when things get out of control. I have been lowering my expectations of what life is going to be like now. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother, and Bryanna made all those dreams come true, and yet I have to remember at the same time I am also a mommy to Kobe and Anthony. I'm a wife to Bryan, a Daughter to Mark and Laura, a sister to Mark and Matthew, and a Grand Daughter to Daniel and Rita. Yet for the past four months I've been living my world in this dark and lonely place. I miss my baby girl this much we know is true, but at the same time is it fair to let those who are still on this earth get less of me? Is it fair for me not to live life to the fullest because I can't see painting my life portrait on a bigger canvas?

Yes, this four months has turned my world upside down...we have lived through something that no one should ever have to go through, but we are still alive. We become stronger everyday through each other and through the strength that God gives us. We will go on to have more children and paint our picture on the biggest canvas we can find, because after all that's what Bryanna would want for us.

"Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead."
--Fredrick Buechner

Sunday, June 21, 2009

God, Take This Child

God, Take This Child....
by Nancy Scott

Sweet child whom we never really got to know,
It’s hard for us to let you go.
We waited and we wanted you.
We had so many dreams for you.

We think of smiles we'll never see.
We think of events that will never be.
There will be no first steps and no first teeth.
There is only a void and our own grief.

We planned to take you to places far and near.
We yearned to keep you safe and free from fear.
We hoped to show you much of your new world.
We wanted to teach you as your life unfurled.

It’s hard to understand why you, our baby, died.
We feel so numb right now, many tears we’ve cried.
We have so many questions and no answers seem to come.
We tried so hard to save you; nothing could be done.

God, we stand before you broken-heartedand
ask you to heal these lives that must be parted
from this little one we can no longer hold,
who will always be a part of us, even when we're old.)

God, take this child in your loving arms.
No more can she suffer any harm.
Bless her always and bless us too.
Be with us and help us to make it through.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Mind...

The mind is a wonderful thing, although it can bring about much torture. Your mind will remember things that you would rather forget. Yet it remembers things your would probably rather not forgot. Just now I was taking a shower and tears came to my eyes not once, not twice, but three times. I had been fine all day long, and then my mind chose to remember at this coming Tuesday I would have been 39 weeks. This is the time that I can start remember almost moment by moment was I was doing 19 weeks ago. 19 weeks ago tomorrow we bought her crib, 19 weeks ago Tuesday I went to the Dr to be diagnosed with BV, 19 weeks ago Thursday I missed work to pick up my antibiotic, 19 weeks ago Friday we discovered we were having a baby girl, 19 weeks ago Sunday my world was falling apart. Had things turned out different I could be holding a baby girl in my arms this very moment, or could possibly still be waiting for her to arrive.

Don't get me wrong I am doing better...just remembering little details like this hurt me so badly. I know people think it's time to move on, but how do you move on after the loss of a child? I know I might not be normal anymore to most, and I'll probably never be the Gina that everyone remembers from before, but I'm a new Gina. A Gina who has seen pain no one should ever have to go through, and a Gina who is becoming stronger by the day. A Gina who knows this strength that carries me through the day is not by my own means but given to me by God. I thank God everyday for the strength he has given me and continue to ask him for more daily.

On another note, I went to the therapist on Thursday and told her about holding the baby and feeling like in a few months I think I will be ready to start TTC again. I then told her I had anxiety the next day and felt guilty and like we would hurt Bryanna's feelings when we had a new baby. She then told me I needed to go back and look through my pregnancy books because developmentally when Bryanna was born she didn't have the emotions to feel jealousy. Great thanks lady..I'm not taking about Bryanna when she was born I'm talking about Bryanna's spirit. My baby was born with a spirit and a soul. I don't care where she was developmentally when she was born...I don't care what you think she can feel or not. I don't even want to hear that her kicking my hand when I poked at her was a reflex...these were my feelings of my baby and your medical jargon doesn't help or make how I feel go away. I'm not going back to read pregnancy books and tourture myself. I know it's silly to feel that her feelings will be hurt by ud trying again but that's how I feel. For the most part I like my therapist so I know that this clash won't get in the way of our progress. She is really helpful even if she doesn't see that I'm looking at things spiritually and not medically...

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Empty Cradle

In April I found out about a support group for couples who have gone through a loss like ours. We were given a packet of information the day after Bryanna was born. When we left the hospital that day it was packed into Bryan's backpack he had with him at the hospital and I didn't touch it for 2 months. One afternoon I was cleaning our room and decided to go through his backpack so I could put it away. I pulled out a folder and a book that we were given in the hospital. This packet of information had I chosen to read it in my depressed state would have saved me a lot of trouble. The day following Bryanna's death we struggled with the question of how to tell the boys...had we gone through this info we would have found the way. 5 weeks after we lost Bryanna I had to go to the hospital for heart palpitations...had I read the packet again I would have found out it was normal for our loss. So many questions we had would have been answered in that packet and book that was sent home with us. Of course in our state of numbness we weren't able to take in anything that was said to us on the day after our baby girl went to Heaven.

Another thing I found in the packet was a phone number for a support group for other bereaved parents. The first number I called was for the one at the hospital. That number was no longer in service and when I called the social worker who had worked with us in the hospital her number was no longer her number and once I got ahold of her number my message went unanswered. I didn't see it then but perhaps it was a sign from God that the group I was lead to instead was meant to be my "home."

I called the second number and got a voice mail, but I left a voice mail and later that night someone called me back. He explained his loss to me and said his wife and him found so much comfort in these meetings. I missed the April meeting by a day, but last month in May Bryan and I found ourselves at the meeting. It was more difficult than I had expected and the days following that meeting I fell into anxiety again. I wasn't sure I would return..I wasn't sure it would help my healing process at this month. However, as the weeks got closer to the next meeting I found myself thinking of the women there...wanting more of their stories, and wondering how they were holding up from last month's meeting.

Tonight was the second meeting I attended. I went alone, which caused anxiety for the majority of the day. Once there I felt at peace being surrounded by these people again. These strangers who I would have never met expect for our horrible common bond. I found myself wanting to reach out to these women to offer hugs to them as they cried telling their stories. I found myself wanting a hug from them as I told my own. There is no judging in this room because we have all been through the same thing..we have all lost a child that we wanted so badly. While we may not all grieve the same we can all relate to one another because we have been there or are going through that now. I am so thankful I was able to stumble upon this group of people. I am so thankful for that added push that sent me to the meeting again today while I was thinking it would be simple to just back out and reduce my anxiety. I am so glad I went tonight because I walked away with not only a sense of comfort but also some new friendships.

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I held a baby!

Yep, that's right. I, Gina, held a baby...the woman for the past 4 months who has run from all babies and pregnant women. The woman who just recently had a 4 month old baby girl in my home and ran downstairs twice to cry! My friend and I went out to lunch today and I asked her to bring along her little boy. Little did I know her husband was home and was going to give her an adults only lunch time for the two of us, but she brought her little boy along. He was beautiful. He is 6 months old and the happiest baby I have ever seen. He kept looking at me and smiling. I told him I was going to bring him home with me and he gave me the biggest smile ever! I loved every minute of it. After lunch I asked to hold him and he rested his sweet little head on my shoulder...my heart melted. At that moment I knew I was in trouble. Baby fever hit and it hit hard. I was even more gone when I fed him his bottle and he looked at me the entire time. He had me wrapped around his finger in an instant. It felt so natural to hold him and feed him.

I want a baby. I was so excited at the thought of trying again. Thinking that sometime in the near future we could try again. As far as my body goes its ready to carry a baby again...its just me emotionally healing from the loss of Bryanna still. I have gotten so much better this month. I feel happier and keep being told that I'm starting to seem more like myself. It's so nice to hear these words again. So nice to have a picture taken of myself and see me smiling.

I see little pieces of me coming back, but I think at the same time it terrifies me. Is it ok to start feeling better? It's only been 4 months...this is the month she was supposed to be born. Is it ok to start feeling better this month and want to think about having a baby again this month of all months? Maybe it's Bryanna's way of saying it's time for us to move on. Maybe she's the one that sent the calm over me the other day. I slowly feel myself making me anxious again and I attempt to push those feelings aside. I know I'm going to be ok...I know that there are only 13 more days in this month and then it will all be over. I know that no matter how long I grieve for Bryanna it won't make her come back, I know I can't/couldn't continue to live my life with me punishing myself. I couldn't continue to ask myself why or look for reasons why...but why does it feel so wrong to be feeling better? Why do I fear getting over the hurt that this has caused? And then even thoughts of trying again scare me..i'm filled with what if this happens again? For so long everyone has told me that I didn't cause this, but what if it happens again..then did I? What if my body continues to fail me?

I'm reading a book right now called A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss. I know that all these feeling i'm feeling are normal. It's helped reading those words and knowing that other people have felt this way. I honestly can't say enough good things about this book. It has made me realize that you have to walk through the darkness to get to the sunlight again. It has helped me see that the lost of Bryanna was like an amputation of a body part...it's a part of me I can never get back. It has also helped me see what might have been "normal" for me in the beginning will never be the same "normal" for me again. I have seen life in a different way. I have seen how fragile it is, and how beautiful it can be all at the same time. I know I have walked through my darkness and am attempting to make my way back to the sunlight. I will emerge a stronger person. My marriage will pull through a stronger marriage and my family bounds will be stronger because of what we have gone through together. My kids will forever know that they have a baby sister and future children of ours will be brought up knowing they have an older sister who is an angel. Our life will continue but Bryanna will forever be part of it.

Monday, June 15, 2009

And then she was calm...

Last night while in bed I had this calming effect come over me. It was as if though I knew I would be ok and everything was going to be ok. Almost as if someone had placed their hands on me and said you are going to get through this and the anxiety and pain will go away. Of course this was after praying all day for God to take away the anxiety and the pain. Oddly enough its the same calming effect that came over me about 2 months before we got pregnant with Bryanna. I had often wondered if I would ever get pregnant and in the back of my mind I think I had always known I wouldn't. Then one day I was sitting there and a calm came over me and I just knew it was God saying we would have a baby one day. Therapy went well today and there were no tears. I've also been able to take half a xanax a day instead of a whole one which has been a nice change. I'm slowly trying to wean myself off of it all together. I feel more hopeful and just over all a lot better.

Yesterday Bryan gave me a bag that had two little girl onsies and a 6 pack of ballet slipper socks. I hadn't seen this bag since the day we went to the hospital. Amazingly enough I did not cry as I looked through the bag and didn't cry as I put it all away in her box. I'm ok with doing this. It still hurts but it doesn't make me as anxious. I feel like I've grown so much just in this past month. I still look forward to this month being over but it hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be...I am so thankful for my wonderful Family and Friends they have helped me so much!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

What Makes a Mother

What Makes A Mother
(by Jennifer Wasik)
I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother
And I know I heard him say.
A Mother has a baby
This we know is true.
But God can you be a Mother
When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can He replied
With confidence in His voice
I give many women babies
When they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime
And others for a day.
And some I send to fill your womb
But there's no need to stay
I just don't understand this,
God I want my baby here
took a breath and cleared His throat
And then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
With other children and say
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
Who had so much love for me
I learned my lesson very quickly
My Mommy set me free.
I miss my Mommy oh so much
But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep
On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don't be sad today
I'm your baby and I'm here.
"So you see my dear sweet one
Your children are ok
Your babies are here in My home
And this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you here with Me
Until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home
They'll be at the gates for you.
So now you see what makes a Mother
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of
Right from the very start.
Through some on earth may not realize
you are a Mother, Until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day
And you know you're the best one!

Gray tshirt..

I have a gray tshirt. It sits in my closet untouched and unworn for over four months. Occasionally as I'm going through my closet looking for something to wear I will rest my hands upon it for a brief moment and continue to look for something to wear. It may just be a gray tshirt to anyone else but to me it's the shirt I was wearing during my hospital stay..the shirt I was wearing when my beautiful little girl came into this world. I put the tshirt on Sunday February 8th and didn't take it off until the evening on February 11th. The tshirt was washed and hung and never worn again. It is a shirt I will most likely never be able to part with and at some point I'm sure it will end up in a box of her things. It's crazy how a piece of clothing can go from nothing special to something filled with so many memories. Today as I was sitting in church this shirt crossed my mind. Funny how memories can pop into you mind at such random times.

On a side note the first day we started going to church was about three weeks after Bryanna was born. I remember that first mass being difficult to get through. As I was sitting there in church a very pregnant woman walked in. She sat a few rows ahead of us and I about lost it when I saw her belly and watched as she lovingly touched her belly throughout mass. I wanted so badly to be in her shoe. Well, never again did I see her in church until today. She walked in with her son and her new born baby girl. Seeing her I recognized her right away, and smiled. I silently said a small prayer for her and thanked God that she was able to deliver a beautiful healthy baby. It was such an empowering moment for me. I didn't cry! I simply smiled and said the prayer. During mass when she picked up her daughter to burp her I smiled again and thought one day we will have our chance...

Friday, June 12, 2009

It's time to strengthen my faith

Recently I have been reading a blog about another mom who lost her dear sweet baby. Her blog makes me realize that it's time to strengthen my faith. While I've always have faith I don't think it's as strong as it needs to be. Going through a loss like we have experienced you either turn to God or you turn you back on him. We chose to turn to him, but I'm not sure my faith is as strong as it should be. I still have so many questions that have never been answered and I daily wonder "why?" Why us? Why our family? Why our baby? What did we do to deserve this? I'm sure I will never have my answers but maybe I need to stop looking for answers. Maybe I need to learn to trust God more and know that there is a reason why our dear sweet Bryanna is no longer with us. As I was reading that blog yesterday I ran across a quote..after reading it it hit me pretty hard. It spoke to me and I felt such strength in it that I decided to share it here.

"While God doesn't always give answers to your questions, he always gives himself."
Reading this quote made me realize I need to stop looking for answers. I need to stop looking for reasons to be sick or thinking I'm sick. I need to stop looking for answers as to why this happened. The truth is we will never know, and I will continue to drive myself crazy until I learn to stop looking for something. I need to be thankful that while Bryanna is no longer on this earth with us and we will never be able to raise her she is resting in a wonderful place. She is one of God's angels. I've said it in a previous post but how lucky are we to have our very own guardian angel that we created. I know that I need to start healing so that one day soon we can start trying again. The only way this is going to be possible is to turn to God and to stop looking for answers in every little thing. I need to learn to put trust into my Dr's again, and continue to pray to get me through my day. I need to stop worrying if we will ever be able to have a baby again and just rest assure that when God is ready to bless us again we will once again have a baby. God has sent me the most amazing family and friends to get me through my rough time. I need to learn to take his little sign and signs from Bryanna to get me through the day. I need to learn to cherish everything in my life again and as cheesy as it sounds stop to smell the roses every now and then.

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Sweet Silver Lining

One night I was watching tv and just happened to hear this song. It was one night that I was especially missing Bryanna and the words to the song were so fitting for me..and of course made a perfect blog title so here are the lyrics for you to read.

Sweet Silver Lining
Im going home
Downhearted and hoping
Im close to some new beginning
I know
Theres a reason for everything
That comes and goes
But so many people are looking to me
To be strong and to fight
But Im just surviving
I may be weak but Im never defeated
And Ill keep believing
In clouds with that sweet silver lining
Most days
I try my best to put on a brave face
But inside
My bones are cold and my heart breaks
But all the while
Somethings keeping me safe
And alive
I wont give up like this
I will be given strength
And now that Ive found it
Nothing can take that away
*Kate Voegele

Bryanna's Story

I should share my dear sweet Bryanna's story with all of you. This did not start out like a normal memorial blog since I did not start at the beginning of our journey...instead I'm using it now as a healing process. However I suppose in order to heal you have to start from the beginning.

Bryan and I had wanted to have a baby for sometime however I knew from my past marriage that it wouldn't be that simple for us. We tried...or didn't try just didn't prevent for about a year maybe longer. With no success and after we were finally settled in California I decided to go see a fertility Dr. Since we had been trying for a year with no luck they were able to see us without waiting. I remember going to the Dr in July for a normal well woman appointment and told her that we had been trying for a year with no luck. She put in a referral to the Fertility Dr and said it could take a few days for them to call back and even when they did it would probably take a few weeks to get an appointment. Well I left that appointment and went to Target to get some shopping done. While I was there I got a call from the fertility Dr's and they could get me in the following week! It was amazing I hadn't expected to hear from them for awhile. Anyway I set up my first appointment and went in. It was just a basic exam and we set up some testing and had to set up some testing for Bryan. After going through the testing all the results came back normal. After worrying for so long that something was wrong with my body I was normal. I went back to the fertility Dr's one day in October for another check up and they were going to start me on Clomid but just before they did they wanted to see if I was going to ovulate. At this point they though the only issue was I didn't ovulate on my own. Well imagine my surprise when they did an internal ultrasound and found out I was about to ovulate! They told me to go home and get "busy" and come back two days later. If I had no yet ovulated they would help me along. Well I came back two days later and guess what...I had ovulated! They told me to test two weeks later which would have been October 20th. They told me our chances of getting pregnant this cycle were great! So at that point I began treating my body like I was pregnant. Did I know yet? No. Did I have an idea I was? No but I prayed that I was. The Friday before I was due to test I started cramping. It seriously felt like someone was screwing a screw into my uterus. I'm not one to cramp before my cycle starts so I knew something was different. Well my friend happened to be in town that week and we had gone to Disney Land on that Sunday so in the rush I never got around to getting a test so I didn't get to test first thing in the morning on the 20th. Right after work I high tailed it to walmart and picked up a pregnancy test. I was going to wait until the next morning but I just couldn't. I ran downstairs when I got home and POAS. Within seconds I got two lines! Were my eyes playing tricks on me? Were there really two lines? Could it really be possible? I ran upstairs and grabbed my friend Emily and she looked at it with me. We still couldn't figure it out and called Bryan to look...he came down and said "Looks like you are pregnant!" OMG I was pregnant! I seriously took 5 home pregnancy test within the next two days and two blood test within that week to confirm I was pregnant!

My pregnancy was beautiful. I really didn't get morning sickness. More like evening sickness and I would get sick on the weekends. I was always able to go to work. Every appointment went beautifully. I always heard her heartbeat right away and it was always strong and fast. She would move around so much when we saw her on the ultrasound and she would just make me giggle seeing her move. I couldn't believe after so many years of not thinking I could have a child I had a baby...a life growing inside of me. I was a nervous mommy and always worried that something was wrong. No one ever tells you that when you are pregnant you will feel all kind of crazy pains. I never realized that I would feel every little stretch and pull on my body..I didn't realize I would feel my uterus expand as she grew. All these little pains were brand new to me and sent me into panic mode. Everything was always normal though. As the months went on I became more comfortable with what was going on and I was enjoying my expanding waist line. The holidays came and went without much thought. I went about cooking and attempting to eat the holiday meals I made. I was over joyed knowing that the following year our little one would be here with us. I kept imagining how old she would be at that point and I was so excited. We had even planned to go to Texas for her first Christmas to be around family. Finally my first trimester was over and I could officially settle into being relaxed. It was real...we had made it through the first trimester we were going to get through this and bring home a baby! I began to look forward to shopping and even started talking to my mom about the baby shower. We had even picked out the weekend we were going home for it.

On January 30/31st. I had fallen asleep on the couch like I usually did only this time I woke up to what I felt was a huge gush. I ran to the bathroom and to my surprise there was nothing there. Relieved I went downstairs to go back to bed. The following days were filled with uncertainty. I felt like something just wasn't right but didn't know what. Finally on Feb. 3rd I went into my midwives office and demanded to be seen. They assured me that everything was fine and that she couldn't see me because she was booked all day. I left a message for her and went to work. She called me an hour later and told me to come in for a check up. I went in right away and was diagnosed with Bacterial Vaginiosis (BV). She made it seem like it was no big deal and that antibiotics woudl take it away. Little did I know it was a HUGE deal. When I got home from work that night I googled it and found out that it could cause preterm labor and infections. I should mention that it took two days for me to get my antibiotics to fix this issue since the pharmacy is always packed. I finally called in sick to work on Thursday Feb. 5th to wait two hours to get my prescription filled. On Feb. 6th we went in for our "Big" Ultrasound and everything went amazing. She was measuring on time and my cervix was closed and all the fluid was still around her. This is the appointment we found out we were having a baby girl. We left that appointment so excited! We were having a princess! I calmed down alittle because everything had checked out fine. Our little girl was prefect and she was going to be just fine. Little did I know on Sunday morning my life would begin to fall apart.

On Sunday February 8th I woke up spotting. I tried to convince myself it was normal and went about my morning. Bryan was cooking breakfast and after breakfast we were going to register for baby gifts..this day had been planned since the end of December after all. Well I kept going to the bathroom and I kept spotting...I sat down to have breakfast and went downstairs to start getting dressed. I went to the bathroom one more time and the spotting had turned into bleeding. I calmly walked out of our bedroom and called up to Bryan that we had to go to the hospital because I was bleeding. I went back into our room and threw on some clothing and came up stairs to put on my shoes...at this point I was bawling. Of course like everything else goes in life we needed gas before we could go to the hospital. So we stop to get gas and then in the kaos of everything Bryan misses the entrance to the freeway so we have to go the long way. We finally get to the hospital and they get me in right away. All the while they are trying to assure me that sometimes bleeding during pregnancy is normal. As soon as they layed me down to do the exam I knew something wasn't right. This wasn't one of those everything is going to be OK moments. The Dr explained that she couldn't check my cervix because my membranes were exposed and I was dilated. Dilated? I was a few days of 20 weeks how could that be possible? They immediately wheeled me up to labor and delivery. I remember the orderlies who rolled me up were joking and talking about what lunch was going to be! How could they be having such a casual conversation when my world was falling apart?

I got checked into L&D and Bryan and the boys were waiting up there for me already. Again I was checked out again and I was definitely dilated but they were hopefully that if they put me on bed rest gravity would take effect and everything would go back up and they could sew me up and the pregnancy would continue. I remember being rolled into another room and as I was another woman went into labor I heard all the Dr's and nurses around her and then the baby came out crying. I lost it. This woman was having her baby and I knew my story wasn't going to end that way. I had Dr's coming in and out for the remainder of the day and finally it was getting late so Bryan was going to take the boys home and get stuff together so he could call out of work the next day. I ended up starting to have contractions so he had to come back up and all 5 of us slept in the hospital room together. The next morning one of his friends came to get the boys for us and more Dr's came in. Now there was talk of infections. There was an infection it was the only thing that would cause her to come early. If the infection got into me I could possibly die as well. They didn't give us much hope for her. If we held off 4 more weeks I could get sick and die or she would be severely handicap. We had to have an amino done...something that I never wanted to have done and yet here I was getting ready for one to find out if there was indeed an infection. The test results were to come back in 4 hours...those must have been the longest 4 hours of my life. When the results came back we were on the "cusp" of there being an infection. They didn't know if there wasn't an infection yet or if the antibiotics were just barley keeping it away. We knew the choice was coming but we tried to put it off. I was still having contractions although they weren't getting any worse they weren't getting any better.

Tuesday February 10th was the hardest day for us. It was the day we had to make our choice. We decided to induce labor. She was coming anyway just not fast enough. We couldn't risk both of us dying and it wasn't fair to prolong her pain for our selfishness. When we made the choice to have her I just wanted it over with. I was scared that infection was getting worse and I didn't want to prolong the enveitable. Finally around 5pm they wheeled us back in L&D and gave me a pill to induce labor. Before I knew it I was in labor. I had an epidural because the pain was too much. I was terrified. Bryan held my hand and looked into my eyes the entire time they were giving me the epidural. He was amazing. I don't know what I would have done withouth him. Being as terrified as I was he had to remind me to breath. As soon as they were done giving me the epidural she was coming. Two pushes and she was out. I remember watching it through the tv monitor that was off. I could see everything in the screen. When she was born she didn't cry like you expect to hear when a baby is born. When they handed her to me she was so tiny. It took me a few mintues to realize that she was still alive. It was heartbreaking watching her little neck rise and fall with each breath she took. We were so amazed that she was alive! But heartbroken at the same time that she was too little for them to do anything for her. We held her and told her we loved her and I remember telling her over and over again that I was so sorry. Our little fighter was alive for an hour and 39 mintues. She was born at 6:53pm.

Two weeks later we would find out that her official cause of death was infection of the placenta.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

4 months

Today marks 4 months since our beautiful baby girl Bryanna was born. It also marks 4 months since our beautiful baby girl went on to become one of God's most beautiful angels. Its amazing how much your life can change in just 4 months. I use to be so optimistic and now I just live in fear and sadness. It has gotten better but everyday that gets closer to her due date has me filled with "what might have been." I know you can't live life like that and yet it makes it so hard to think any other way right now. Today for instance I was filled with sadness because its been 4 months and yet yesterday my mind was filled with the fact that I would have been 37 weeks.

I should have been expecting our beautiful baby any day now, but instead I only have the memories of her. Don't get me wrong the memories I shared with her are amazing. She started moving so early on. I can remember sitting on this couch on January 6th in the same position that I'm sitting on the couch now and I felt the first little flutters. Funny how your mind remembers dates like that. At that point in my pregnancy I was only 14 weeks along. It seemed a bit early to be feeling her but I was so excited. I remember one night a few weeks later I was laying in bed and had my hand on my stomach and felt her kick my hand off! My tiny baby girl was already kicking my hand off my stomach! I remember sharing these moments with my mom and telling her that Bryan felt a little left out because he hadn't felt her yet and she told me to "cherish these moments because they are you and your child bonding." The little flutters were amazing...some days I would lay in bed and it would feel like she was doing cartwheels in my stomach! Such a neat little feeling. As time went on I got was more and more excited I would feel her more and I even got to the point where after one Dr's appointment I went shopping for her. At this point in time I didn't know she was a girl yet so I bought your basic tshirts and onsies and yellow blankets. It was a fun little shopping experience. I was hooked on shopping for our baby! There was also a time while Bryan the kids and I were shopping at target. I was getting ready to check out but was looking at movies. Bryan was a couple of feet away from me and raised his voice at one of the boys and she jumped! Oh man she already knew her daddy's voice and he did not sound happy. It made me giggle that she had that reaction to his voice. Another such memory was at target yet again...I was shopping for a friends little girl and Bryanna was kicking up a storm I remember telling her "we will be shopping for you again in just a few day when we find out what you are." I then giggled and said "you are either upset that I'm shopping for another little girl or upset that I'm in the girls department because you are a little boy." Well a few days later we indeed found out we were having a little princess. What a magical amazing day. Everything with the ultrasound was amazing and she was just beautiful and perfect! As soon as we got out of the appointment and told our family we were having a little girl they were already calling her a princess and were over joyed! The boys were just as excited. Even being in the hospital I have a few memories with her that I will always cherish..its little things like this that I need to pull me through the bad days.

Getting them out on here just now has made me relive them and realize just how lucky we were to have those 20 weeks with her. Just how lucky we were to have that amazing hour and 39 minutes with her. She got to feel us and we got to touch her and tell her exactly how much we love her. We got to send her on to an amazing place, but God blessed us with a fraction in time with her something that we will forever be grateful for. We are lucky enough to have our very own guardian angel in heaven. An angel that spent a part of her time growing in me. An angel that was created out of love by Bryan and I. It doesn't make me miss her any less and want her here any less but everyday I have to come to terms with the fact that this is the plan that God had in store for us. I also have to come to terms with the fact that one day God will bless us again with another beautiful baby that we will be able to raise. A dear friend told me not too long back that when we get pregnant again the baby will be OK because Bryanna will be there coaching the baby through the pregnancy and that thought makes me smile. I know now that one day when we have another baby we will not be replacing Bryanna but simply adding on to our family and giving her a sibling as well.

In the next few days I will be sharing more of Bryanna's story and the story of our family and how we are coping and dealing. This is meant to be a sort of therapy for me as I have seen it work for others. It's also putting Bryanna's story out there so that she is not forgotten.

**I want to take a moment and thank my dear sweet friend Jess who talked me into do this blog as a healing process. Just in my first entry I have seen that this will be helpful. Thank you Jess. I love you very much and can't wait to see little Ms. Ryleigh.**