Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I have realized...

that I have so much to say. I have so many emotions and thoughts that need to come out. They live in my head and drive me stir crazy. I've joined this little world..this little club that I never wanted to be apart of. I'm spending my holidays in a different way then I had imagined this year. I had so many hopes and dreams for this holiday. Last year I was newly pregnant and sick during Thanksgiving. I kept thinking we would have a baby this year. An added gift to be thankful for this year. While she is still a gift and we are so thankful for the time we had to spend with her, I am heartbroken this year. Ringing in 2009 I said this would be a huge year for us...our life would be changed in so many ways. How true I was on those words. I can't even begin to express how much our lives have changed this year. I am but a shell of what I once was.

How do you begin to fix yourself? How do you put back together the pieces of a missing puzzle. There will forever being a missing piece to our puzzle. We will never know our daughter, our children will never know their sister, and it's just something we all have to learn to live with. But how? How do you deal with a pain so deep?

We have started TTC again. Yes, you read that right. I have so many mixed feelings on this. I wasn't sure if I was ready to begin the whole process over again, and when our first attempt failed last month it brought back pain with it. I'm not sure how women do this over and over for months and months. I wish my body would just get its act together and do what it's supposed to do. Seriously! Is it too much to ask that you get pregnant and manage to keep an infection away!

I've been sad and angry lately. I'm crushed that we aren't preparing to spend Bryanna's first thanksgiving and Christmas with her. I'm crushed that in 3 months we will hit the 1 year mark. I'm hurt that all the hopes and dreams I had for her went up into flames. I have come to terms with the fact that she isn't hear. That we infact did lose her, but the long term thoughts are the worse. We will never see her grow up, get married and have children of her own. This hurts more then I can even begin to express.

I know I will learn to deal with these feelings eventually but for now it hurts. For now it makes me want to scream and even shed a tear daily which is something I haven't done in a while.

Friday, November 20, 2009

It's been awhile

I know it's been awhile since my last post. Over 2 months. Where has the time gone? It has dawn on me that in three short months we will be celebrating our very first angelversary. I can't believe it's been a whole year already. I feel like I have lived 2009 in a complete daze. This whole year has had an eerie dream like feel to it. Some months go by without me noticing them at all and some drag on and on forever. As the holidays approach I find myself feeling more and more anxious. I think back to how I was so hopeful last year pregnant, and knowing we would have a baby here this year to celebrate the holidays with us. It's heartbreaking now realizing that's not going to happen.

I cried my eyes out in therapy the other day. The pain of her not being here hurts so badly sometimes. I hate bogging everyone down with my tears still, but it just hurts so much. There is this huge hole in my heart that can't be filled. I dream of happy little babies and wake up missing and longing for her even more. I'm currently looking for her one and only Christmas Ornament, and I realize how unfair this is. I should be buying her first Christmas ornament and not searching for an angel one.

This month has been especially hard on me. In a weeks time we came upon her 9 month mark, a friend celebrated her 4th angelversary, and on of my dear friends friend gave birth 14 weeks early and lost her little girl. It's times like this that I realize that there are so many more of us out there then people would like to think of. When I was pregnant I thought if I just didn't read anything about babies dying mine would be just fine...what a naive thought. Now I am painfully aware that no matter what you do you are never in a safe zone. This makes me worry about the next time, as we have started trying for the next time. I am terrified, and worry about things that are not in my control. In fact for the past nine months I have worried about things that are not in my control. I realized that my life is not entirely in my hands. I have hurt more then I thought was humanly possible. I have feared more then I wish anyone to fear. I have been uncertain, and have become a pessimist. It seems as if I'm still attempting to make my way out of the darkness. It's gotten to the point where I begin to see the light I get scared and turn around and walk into the darkness. It's a horrible feeling. I'm so ready to emerge again. I'm ready to become this woman that everyone thinks I have become. This strong person who has survived something horrible, but in reality it takes much more then anyone realizes to make it through the day. You see my heart is still broken. I'm still unsure, and I'm still an anxious mess.

I am ready to pull through though and live my life not only for me but for Bryanna who I am sure lives through me. Learning to pick up the pieces and start all over again is the difficult part. Not letting the negative thoughts get the best of me is even harder. I pray when the time comes I can enjoy my pregnancy without being terrified the entire time. I am a good person and would be an amazing mommy...I pray I'm given the chance, I so desperately want to feel a baby that Bryan and I created together inside of me again.