Tuesday, November 24, 2009

I have realized...

that I have so much to say. I have so many emotions and thoughts that need to come out. They live in my head and drive me stir crazy. I've joined this little world..this little club that I never wanted to be apart of. I'm spending my holidays in a different way then I had imagined this year. I had so many hopes and dreams for this holiday. Last year I was newly pregnant and sick during Thanksgiving. I kept thinking we would have a baby this year. An added gift to be thankful for this year. While she is still a gift and we are so thankful for the time we had to spend with her, I am heartbroken this year. Ringing in 2009 I said this would be a huge year for us...our life would be changed in so many ways. How true I was on those words. I can't even begin to express how much our lives have changed this year. I am but a shell of what I once was.

How do you begin to fix yourself? How do you put back together the pieces of a missing puzzle. There will forever being a missing piece to our puzzle. We will never know our daughter, our children will never know their sister, and it's just something we all have to learn to live with. But how? How do you deal with a pain so deep?

We have started TTC again. Yes, you read that right. I have so many mixed feelings on this. I wasn't sure if I was ready to begin the whole process over again, and when our first attempt failed last month it brought back pain with it. I'm not sure how women do this over and over for months and months. I wish my body would just get its act together and do what it's supposed to do. Seriously! Is it too much to ask that you get pregnant and manage to keep an infection away!

I've been sad and angry lately. I'm crushed that we aren't preparing to spend Bryanna's first thanksgiving and Christmas with her. I'm crushed that in 3 months we will hit the 1 year mark. I'm hurt that all the hopes and dreams I had for her went up into flames. I have come to terms with the fact that she isn't hear. That we infact did lose her, but the long term thoughts are the worse. We will never see her grow up, get married and have children of her own. This hurts more then I can even begin to express.

I know I will learn to deal with these feelings eventually but for now it hurts. For now it makes me want to scream and even shed a tear daily which is something I haven't done in a while.

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