I know it's been awhile since my last post. Over 2 months. Where has the time gone? It has dawn on me that in three short months we will be celebrating our very first angelversary. I can't believe it's been a whole year already. I feel like I have lived 2009 in a complete daze. This whole year has had an eerie dream like feel to it. Some months go by without me noticing them at all and some drag on and on forever. As the holidays approach I find myself feeling more and more anxious. I think back to how I was so hopeful last year pregnant, and knowing we would have a baby here this year to celebrate the holidays with us. It's heartbreaking now realizing that's not going to happen.
I cried my eyes out in therapy the other day. The pain of her not being here hurts so badly sometimes. I hate bogging everyone down with my tears still, but it just hurts so much. There is this huge hole in my heart that can't be filled. I dream of happy little babies and wake up missing and longing for her even more. I'm currently looking for her one and only Christmas Ornament, and I realize how unfair this is. I should be buying her first Christmas ornament and not searching for an angel one.
This month has been especially hard on me. In a weeks time we came upon her 9 month mark, a friend celebrated her 4th angelversary, and on of my dear friends friend gave birth 14 weeks early and lost her little girl. It's times like this that I realize that there are so many more of us out there then people would like to think of. When I was pregnant I thought if I just didn't read anything about babies dying mine would be just fine...what a naive thought. Now I am painfully aware that no matter what you do you are never in a safe zone. This makes me worry about the next time, as we have started trying for the next time. I am terrified, and worry about things that are not in my control. In fact for the past nine months I have worried about things that are not in my control. I realized that my life is not entirely in my hands. I have hurt more then I thought was humanly possible. I have feared more then I wish anyone to fear. I have been uncertain, and have become a pessimist. It seems as if I'm still attempting to make my way out of the darkness. It's gotten to the point where I begin to see the light I get scared and turn around and walk into the darkness. It's a horrible feeling. I'm so ready to emerge again. I'm ready to become this woman that everyone thinks I have become. This strong person who has survived something horrible, but in reality it takes much more then anyone realizes to make it through the day. You see my heart is still broken. I'm still unsure, and I'm still an anxious mess.
I am ready to pull through though and live my life not only for me but for Bryanna who I am sure lives through me. Learning to pick up the pieces and start all over again is the difficult part. Not letting the negative thoughts get the best of me is even harder. I pray when the time comes I can enjoy my pregnancy without being terrified the entire time. I am a good person and would be an amazing mommy...I pray I'm given the chance, I so desperately want to feel a baby that Bryan and I created together inside of me again.