Wednesday, July 8, 2009

21 weeks and 1 day

It's been 21 weeks and 1 day since our dear sweet Bryanna was born and passed away. 21 weeks since I last saw her little face and held her in my arms...21 weeks since all my hopes and dreams for her went away. She has officially been an angel longer then she was growing in my belly.

I think back to where I was a week after her death and now where am I a week after her due date. A week after her death I was completely heartbroken. I didn't know how I would go about the seconds, minutes, hours, and day much less how I could get through the rest of my life. I couldn't go out anywhere without seeing a baby or a pregnant woman without breaking down. I was still waking up every morning and breaking down. The days shortly following her death I couldn't even bare to leave my room and had to be coaxed out by Bryan. He had to bring me food down stairs to make sure I ate and get me out of the house at least an hour a day to make sure I didn't sink into an even deeper depression. I didn't know how I would go on. Laughing seemed so out of place. Immediately after we began to laugh or smile we would stop and wonder was it ok to do so? The pain we felt was so intense and some days I just wanted to sleep because at least when I was asleep I didn't have to think about it. There were moments in my day that I would fall to my knees and just ask why us? I honestly think I cried more then smiled during this time.

Now, a week after her due date I feel more hopeful/peaceful. I see little signs from her, and I'm at a better understanding with what happened. I know God has a plan for us. I know one day we will get our Earth baby. Now I can actually look into the future and toy around with the idea of TTC again. Am I fully there yet? No, but I'm a lot closer then I thought I would be at this point. It still scares me like you wouldn't believe and while I know I'm two times more likely to get the infection again I know its a 5% chance that I can get it and a 95% chance that I wont. I know that God and Bryanna will get me through and I have to believe that this time I will be in that 95%. It's a little easier to try and be more optimistic now...not 100% yet, but I have learned not to totally let my anxiety take control of my life.

There are times in my life now that I sit here and wonder did we really just go through this? Did we really just face the biggest heartache that no one should ever have to feel? Yes, we did...but we are becoming stronger. We still struggle..but it's not daily anymore. I no longer wonder if my marriage will survive this. We will survive this because we are stronger...Bryanna made us stronger. Bryanna made us feel a love for each other and bond for each other that we might have not known without her. I'm a firm believer she was brought into our life to strengthen our marriage and to show us when it's time we will have our earth baby.

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