For the past three days anxiety has slowly creeped back into my life. My heart has started racing again and little pains in my stomach are slowly starting back up. I did so well for two weeks, and now we are back to this. I attempted to tell myself Tuesday wouldn't be a big deal, but the closer it gets the more anxious I become.
I know people think Tuesday June 30th should just be another day to me. But the truth is this day approaching hurts me so badly. I know I know Bryanna was born on Tuesday February 10th and that's just the way life turned out. I know February 10th was her birthday and will forever be. However, for 5 months I looked forward to this day, and for the past 4 months I have dreaded this day. Now this day is only 4 days away and the anxiety is creeping in. What will my mood be like that day? If things had turned out different I could be in the hospital having a baby that day. I should have been in the hospital having a baby that day, but for us that isn't happening. We will not get to be having a baby on June 30th meeting her for the first time and being over joyed that she is finally here. Instead it will be just like any other day...with what might have been not too far from our mind.
How do we even begin to approach this day? Do we just let it go and pretend nothing ever happened or do we do something special and then go about our day? How does this work? When her birthday rolls around I know I will be sad and anxious but I know we can do something special for that day...but does the same hold true for Tuesday?
What about tomorrow for that matter? Tomorrow will be 20 weeks since I discovered something was wrong and had to be taken to the hospital. The thought of tomorrow coming makes me super anxious.
Its crazy how fast your life can change. One moment everything is fine and the next everything has fallen apart. How do you rebuild your life after this? In the book I'm reading he says that you just learn to build around it. You don't ever get over the pain you just learn to go on with your life but still feel it there. He says its like an amputation and I honestly feel like part of me is forever gone. It's almost like in a way it took the old me away. It took away my secure feeling, my hopefulness, and excitement for certain things. Slowly I'm trying to get these emotions back but will I ever fully become what I was before? I know I've talked about becoming a different me, but there are parts of the old me I miss. I just don't want to be anxious or scared anymore. I was to look forward to getting pregnant instead of this huge fear that I have in it's place. Bryan and I were talking today and I told him I don't fear I can get pregnant I just fear if I can stay pregnant. I know I should stay far far away from google..but shortly after we got the results of what caused Bryanna's death I googled the world. One of the very first articles I can across said that I am now 2 x's more likely to have this happen again because I've had it happen before. I know I need to look on the bright side and see that many women who have had this happen in the past have gone on to have healthy pregnancies but how?? How in the world do I clear those thoughts from my head? I know God has these amazing plans for our life I just wish I could somehow see what's going on. See the bright side in it all. Everyone keeps telling me they just know we will have a healthy baby...healthy babies..but how can they be so sure when I'm just not?