As I lay out at the pool yesterday I brought out my book with me. I don't spend much time reading it but when I do I give it my full attention because every word of the book speaks to me and makes me really think. It makes me see things in a different light. Yesterday down by the pool I was reading Chapter 6 The Amputation of Self. In previous chapter Jerry Sittser has talked about how death is a catastrophic loss and how its almost like the amputation of a body part. It's not ever something you can get back. However, something in this chapter that touched me was how after a loss you have to pick up and paint a new portrait of your life. He goes on to say that when he first began repainting his picture he wanted to start off on a small canvas because he didn't know how he could have the same expectations for his life after what he had gone through. On page 87 he goes on to say "Many people who suffer loss are tempted to do the same, lowering their expectations of what they will get out of life. Can any person look forward to a life that falls short of what he or she had planned, wanted, and expected?"
Wow, those words hit me like a ton of bricks! These past 4 months I have done that very thing. Thinking I'm sick, imagining us never having a baby, even the anxiety when things get out of control. I have been lowering my expectations of what life is going to be like now. For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother, and Bryanna made all those dreams come true, and yet I have to remember at the same time I am also a mommy to Kobe and Anthony. I'm a wife to Bryan, a Daughter to Mark and Laura, a sister to Mark and Matthew, and a Grand Daughter to Daniel and Rita. Yet for the past four months I've been living my world in this dark and lonely place. I miss my baby girl this much we know is true, but at the same time is it fair to let those who are still on this earth get less of me? Is it fair for me not to live life to the fullest because I can't see painting my life portrait on a bigger canvas?
Yes, this four months has turned my world upside down...we have lived through something that no one should ever have to go through, but we are still alive. We become stronger everyday through each other and through the strength that God gives us. We will go on to have more children and paint our picture on the biggest canvas we can find, because after all that's what Bryanna would want for us.
"Even the saddest things can become, once we have made peace with them, a source of wisdom and strength for the journey that still lies ahead."