Today marks 4 months since our beautiful baby girl Bryanna was born. It also marks 4 months since our beautiful baby girl went on to become one of God's most beautiful angels. Its amazing how much your life can change in just 4 months. I use to be so optimistic and now I just live in fear and sadness. It has gotten better but everyday that gets closer to her due date has me filled with "what might have been." I know you can't live life like that and yet it makes it so hard to think any other way right now. Today for instance I was filled with sadness because its been 4 months and yet yesterday my mind was filled with the fact that I would have been 37 weeks.
I should have been expecting our beautiful baby any day now, but instead I only have the memories of her. Don't get me wrong the memories I shared with her are amazing. She started moving so early on. I can remember sitting on this couch on January 6th in the same position that I'm sitting on the couch now and I felt the first little flutters. Funny how your mind remembers dates like that. At that point in my pregnancy I was only 14 weeks along. It seemed a bit early to be feeling her but I was so excited. I remember one night a few weeks later I was laying in bed and had my hand on my stomach and felt her kick my hand off! My tiny baby girl was already kicking my hand off my stomach! I remember sharing these moments with my mom and telling her that Bryan felt a little left out because he hadn't felt her yet and she told me to "cherish these moments because they are you and your child bonding." The little flutters were amazing...some days I would lay in bed and it would feel like she was doing cartwheels in my stomach! Such a neat little feeling. As time went on I got was more and more excited I would feel her more and I even got to the point where after one Dr's appointment I went shopping for her. At this point in time I didn't know she was a girl yet so I bought your basic tshirts and onsies and yellow blankets. It was a fun little shopping experience. I was hooked on shopping for our baby! There was also a time while Bryan the kids and I were shopping at target. I was getting ready to check out but was looking at movies. Bryan was a couple of feet away from me and raised his voice at one of the boys and she jumped! Oh man she already knew her daddy's voice and he did not sound happy. It made me giggle that she had that reaction to his voice. Another such memory was at target yet again...I was shopping for a friends little girl and Bryanna was kicking up a storm I remember telling her "we will be shopping for you again in just a few day when we find out what you are." I then giggled and said "you are either upset that I'm shopping for another little girl or upset that I'm in the girls department because you are a little boy." Well a few days later we indeed found out we were having a little princess. What a magical amazing day. Everything with the ultrasound was amazing and she was just beautiful and perfect! As soon as we got out of the appointment and told our family we were having a little girl they were already calling her a princess and were over joyed! The boys were just as excited. Even being in the hospital I have a few memories with her that I will always cherish..its little things like this that I need to pull me through the bad days.
Getting them out on here just now has made me relive them and realize just how lucky we were to have those 20 weeks with her. Just how lucky we were to have that amazing hour and 39 minutes with her. She got to feel us and we got to touch her and tell her exactly how much we love her. We got to send her on to an amazing place, but God blessed us with a fraction in time with her something that we will forever be grateful for. We are lucky enough to have our very own guardian angel in heaven. An angel that spent a part of her time growing in me. An angel that was created out of love by Bryan and I. It doesn't make me miss her any less and want her here any less but everyday I have to come to terms with the fact that this is the plan that God had in store for us. I also have to come to terms with the fact that one day God will bless us again with another beautiful baby that we will be able to raise. A dear friend told me not too long back that when we get pregnant again the baby will be OK because Bryanna will be there coaching the baby through the pregnancy and that thought makes me smile. I know now that one day when we have another baby we will not be replacing Bryanna but simply adding on to our family and giving her a sibling as well.
In the next few days I will be sharing more of Bryanna's story and the story of our family and how we are coping and dealing. This is meant to be a sort of therapy for me as I have seen it work for others. It's also putting Bryanna's story out there so that she is not forgotten.
**I want to take a moment and thank my dear sweet friend Jess who talked me into do this blog as a healing process. Just in my first entry I have seen that this will be helpful. Thank you Jess. I love you very much and can't wait to see little Ms. Ryleigh.**