Empty Cradle

In April I found out about a support group for couples who have gone through a loss like ours. We were given a packet of information the day after Bryanna was born. When we left the hospital that day it was packed into Bryan's backpack he had with him at the hospital and I didn't touch it for 2 months. One afternoon I was cleaning our room and decided to go through his backpack so I could put it away. I pulled out a folder and a book that we were given in the hospital. This packet of information had I chosen to read it in my depressed state would have saved me a lot of trouble. The day following Bryanna's death we struggled with the question of how to tell the boys...had we gone through this info we would have found the way. 5 weeks after we lost Bryanna I had to go to the hospital for heart palpitations...had I read the packet again I would have found out it was normal for our loss. So many questions we had would have been answered in that packet and book that was sent home with us. Of course in our state of numbness we weren't able to take in anything that was said to us on the day after our baby girl went to Heaven.

Another thing I found in the packet was a phone number for a support group for other bereaved parents. The first number I called was for the one at the hospital. That number was no longer in service and when I called the social worker who had worked with us in the hospital her number was no longer her number and once I got ahold of her number my message went unanswered. I didn't see it then but perhaps it was a sign from God that the group I was lead to instead was meant to be my "home."

I called the second number and got a voice mail, but I left a voice mail and later that night someone called me back. He explained his loss to me and said his wife and him found so much comfort in these meetings. I missed the April meeting by a day, but last month in May Bryan and I found ourselves at the meeting. It was more difficult than I had expected and the days following that meeting I fell into anxiety again. I wasn't sure I would return..I wasn't sure it would help my healing process at this month. However, as the weeks got closer to the next meeting I found myself thinking of the women there...wanting more of their stories, and wondering how they were holding up from last month's meeting.

Tonight was the second meeting I attended. I went alone, which caused anxiety for the majority of the day. Once there I felt at peace being surrounded by these people again. These strangers who I would have never met expect for our horrible common bond. I found myself wanting to reach out to these women to offer hugs to them as they cried telling their stories. I found myself wanting a hug from them as I told my own. There is no judging in this room because we have all been through the same thing..we have all lost a child that we wanted so badly. While we may not all grieve the same we can all relate to one another because we have been there or are going through that now. I am so thankful I was able to stumble upon this group of people. I am so thankful for that added push that sent me to the meeting again today while I was thinking it would be simple to just back out and reduce my anxiety. I am so glad I went tonight because I walked away with not only a sense of comfort but also some new friendships.