I should share my dear sweet Bryanna's story with all of you. This did not start out like a normal memorial blog since I did not start at the beginning of our journey...instead I'm using it now as a healing process. However I suppose in order to heal you have to start from the beginning.
Bryan and I had wanted to have a baby for sometime however I knew from my past marriage that it wouldn't be that simple for us. We tried...or didn't try just didn't prevent for about a year maybe longer. With no success and after we were finally settled in California I decided to go see a fertility Dr. Since we had been trying for a year with no luck they were able to see us without waiting. I remember going to the Dr in July for a normal well woman appointment and told her that we had been trying for a year with no luck. She put in a referral to the Fertility Dr and said it could take a few days for them to call back and even when they did it would probably take a few weeks to get an appointment. Well I left that appointment and went to Target to get some shopping done. While I was there I got a call from the fertility Dr's and they could get me in the following week! It was amazing I hadn't expected to hear from them for awhile. Anyway I set up my first appointment and went in. It was just a basic exam and we set up some testing and had to set up some testing for Bryan. After going through the testing all the results came back normal. After worrying for so long that something was wrong with my body I was normal. I went back to the fertility Dr's one day in October for another check up and they were going to start me on Clomid but just before they did they wanted to see if I was going to ovulate. At this point they though the only issue was I didn't ovulate on my own. Well imagine my surprise when they did an internal ultrasound and found out I was about to ovulate! They told me to go home and get "busy" and come back two days later. If I had no yet ovulated they would help me along. Well I came back two days later and guess what...I had ovulated! They told me to test two weeks later which would have been October 20th. They told me our chances of getting pregnant this cycle were great! So at that point I began treating my body like I was pregnant. Did I know yet? No. Did I have an idea I was? No but I prayed that I was. The Friday before I was due to test I started cramping. It seriously felt like someone was screwing a screw into my uterus. I'm not one to cramp before my cycle starts so I knew something was different. Well my friend happened to be in town that week and we had gone to Disney Land on that Sunday so in the rush I never got around to getting a test so I didn't get to test first thing in the morning on the 20th. Right after work I high tailed it to walmart and picked up a pregnancy test. I was going to wait until the next morning but I just couldn't. I ran downstairs when I got home and POAS. Within seconds I got two lines! Were my eyes playing tricks on me? Were there really two lines? Could it really be possible? I ran upstairs and grabbed my friend Emily and she looked at it with me. We still couldn't figure it out and called Bryan to look...he came down and said "Looks like you are pregnant!" OMG I was pregnant! I seriously took 5 home pregnancy test within the next two days and two blood test within that week to confirm I was pregnant!
My pregnancy was beautiful. I really didn't get morning sickness. More like evening sickness and I would get sick on the weekends. I was always able to go to work. Every appointment went beautifully. I always heard her heartbeat right away and it was always strong and fast. She would move around so much when we saw her on the ultrasound and she would just make me giggle seeing her move. I couldn't believe after so many years of not thinking I could have a child I had a baby...a life growing inside of me. I was a nervous mommy and always worried that something was wrong. No one ever tells you that when you are pregnant you will feel all kind of crazy pains. I never realized that I would feel every little stretch and pull on my body..I didn't realize I would feel my uterus expand as she grew. All these little pains were brand new to me and sent me into panic mode. Everything was always normal though. As the months went on I became more comfortable with what was going on and I was enjoying my expanding waist line. The holidays came and went without much thought. I went about cooking and attempting to eat the holiday meals I made. I was over joyed knowing that the following year our little one would be here with us. I kept imagining how old she would be at that point and I was so excited. We had even planned to go to Texas for her first Christmas to be around family. Finally my first trimester was over and I could officially settle into being relaxed. It was real...we had made it through the first trimester we were going to get through this and bring home a baby! I began to look forward to shopping and even started talking to my mom about the baby shower. We had even picked out the weekend we were going home for it.
On January 30/31st. I had fallen asleep on the couch like I usually did only this time I woke up to what I felt was a huge gush. I ran to the bathroom and to my surprise there was nothing there. Relieved I went downstairs to go back to bed. The following days were filled with uncertainty. I felt like something just wasn't right but didn't know what. Finally on Feb. 3rd I went into my midwives office and demanded to be seen. They assured me that everything was fine and that she couldn't see me because she was booked all day. I left a message for her and went to work. She called me an hour later and told me to come in for a check up. I went in right away and was diagnosed with Bacterial Vaginiosis (BV). She made it seem like it was no big deal and that antibiotics woudl take it away. Little did I know it was a HUGE deal. When I got home from work that night I googled it and found out that it could cause preterm labor and infections. I should mention that it took two days for me to get my antibiotics to fix this issue since the pharmacy is always packed. I finally called in sick to work on Thursday Feb. 5th to wait two hours to get my prescription filled. On Feb. 6th we went in for our "Big" Ultrasound and everything went amazing. She was measuring on time and my cervix was closed and all the fluid was still around her. This is the appointment we found out we were having a baby girl. We left that appointment so excited! We were having a princess! I calmed down alittle because everything had checked out fine. Our little girl was prefect and she was going to be just fine. Little did I know on Sunday morning my life would begin to fall apart.
On Sunday February 8th I woke up spotting. I tried to convince myself it was normal and went about my morning. Bryan was cooking breakfast and after breakfast we were going to register for baby gifts..this day had been planned since the end of December after all. Well I kept going to the bathroom and I kept spotting...I sat down to have breakfast and went downstairs to start getting dressed. I went to the bathroom one more time and the spotting had turned into bleeding. I calmly walked out of our bedroom and called up to Bryan that we had to go to the hospital because I was bleeding. I went back into our room and threw on some clothing and came up stairs to put on my shoes...at this point I was bawling. Of course like everything else goes in life we needed gas before we could go to the hospital. So we stop to get gas and then in the kaos of everything Bryan misses the entrance to the freeway so we have to go the long way. We finally get to the hospital and they get me in right away. All the while they are trying to assure me that sometimes bleeding during pregnancy is normal. As soon as they layed me down to do the exam I knew something wasn't right. This wasn't one of those everything is going to be OK moments. The Dr explained that she couldn't check my cervix because my membranes were exposed and I was dilated. Dilated? I was a few days of 20 weeks how could that be possible? They immediately wheeled me up to labor and delivery. I remember the orderlies who rolled me up were joking and talking about what lunch was going to be! How could they be having such a casual conversation when my world was falling apart?
I got checked into L&D and Bryan and the boys were waiting up there for me already. Again I was checked out again and I was definitely dilated but they were hopefully that if they put me on bed rest gravity would take effect and everything would go back up and they could sew me up and the pregnancy would continue. I remember being rolled into another room and as I was another woman went into labor I heard all the Dr's and nurses around her and then the baby came out crying. I lost it. This woman was having her baby and I knew my story wasn't going to end that way. I had Dr's coming in and out for the remainder of the day and finally it was getting late so Bryan was going to take the boys home and get stuff together so he could call out of work the next day. I ended up starting to have contractions so he had to come back up and all 5 of us slept in the hospital room together. The next morning one of his friends came to get the boys for us and more Dr's came in. Now there was talk of infections. There was an infection it was the only thing that would cause her to come early. If the infection got into me I could possibly die as well. They didn't give us much hope for her. If we held off 4 more weeks I could get sick and die or she would be severely handicap. We had to have an amino done...something that I never wanted to have done and yet here I was getting ready for one to find out if there was indeed an infection. The test results were to come back in 4 hours...those must have been the longest 4 hours of my life. When the results came back we were on the "cusp" of there being an infection. They didn't know if there wasn't an infection yet or if the antibiotics were just barley keeping it away. We knew the choice was coming but we tried to put it off. I was still having contractions although they weren't getting any worse they weren't getting any better.
Tuesday February 10th was the hardest day for us. It was the day we had to make our choice. We decided to induce labor. She was coming anyway just not fast enough. We couldn't risk both of us dying and it wasn't fair to prolong her pain for our selfishness. When we made the choice to have her I just wanted it over with. I was scared that infection was getting worse and I didn't want to prolong the enveitable. Finally around 5pm they wheeled us back in L&D and gave me a pill to induce labor. Before I knew it I was in labor. I had an epidural because the pain was too much. I was terrified. Bryan held my hand and looked into my eyes the entire time they were giving me the epidural. He was amazing. I don't know what I would have done withouth him. Being as terrified as I was he had to remind me to breath. As soon as they were done giving me the epidural she was coming. Two pushes and she was out. I remember watching it through the tv monitor that was off. I could see everything in the screen. When she was born she didn't cry like you expect to hear when a baby is born. When they handed her to me she was so tiny. It took me a few mintues to realize that she was still alive. It was heartbreaking watching her little neck rise and fall with each breath she took. We were so amazed that she was alive! But heartbroken at the same time that she was too little for them to do anything for her. We held her and told her we loved her and I remember telling her over and over again that I was so sorry. Our little fighter was alive for an hour and 39 mintues. She was born at 6:53pm.
Two weeks later we would find out that her official cause of death was infection of the placenta.