Tuesday, June 16, 2009

I held a baby!

Yep, that's right. I, Gina, held a baby...the woman for the past 4 months who has run from all babies and pregnant women. The woman who just recently had a 4 month old baby girl in my home and ran downstairs twice to cry! My friend and I went out to lunch today and I asked her to bring along her little boy. Little did I know her husband was home and was going to give her an adults only lunch time for the two of us, but she brought her little boy along. He was beautiful. He is 6 months old and the happiest baby I have ever seen. He kept looking at me and smiling. I told him I was going to bring him home with me and he gave me the biggest smile ever! I loved every minute of it. After lunch I asked to hold him and he rested his sweet little head on my shoulder...my heart melted. At that moment I knew I was in trouble. Baby fever hit and it hit hard. I was even more gone when I fed him his bottle and he looked at me the entire time. He had me wrapped around his finger in an instant. It felt so natural to hold him and feed him.

I want a baby. I was so excited at the thought of trying again. Thinking that sometime in the near future we could try again. As far as my body goes its ready to carry a baby again...its just me emotionally healing from the loss of Bryanna still. I have gotten so much better this month. I feel happier and keep being told that I'm starting to seem more like myself. It's so nice to hear these words again. So nice to have a picture taken of myself and see me smiling.

I see little pieces of me coming back, but I think at the same time it terrifies me. Is it ok to start feeling better? It's only been 4 months...this is the month she was supposed to be born. Is it ok to start feeling better this month and want to think about having a baby again this month of all months? Maybe it's Bryanna's way of saying it's time for us to move on. Maybe she's the one that sent the calm over me the other day. I slowly feel myself making me anxious again and I attempt to push those feelings aside. I know I'm going to be ok...I know that there are only 13 more days in this month and then it will all be over. I know that no matter how long I grieve for Bryanna it won't make her come back, I know I can't/couldn't continue to live my life with me punishing myself. I couldn't continue to ask myself why or look for reasons why...but why does it feel so wrong to be feeling better? Why do I fear getting over the hurt that this has caused? And then even thoughts of trying again scare me..i'm filled with what if this happens again? For so long everyone has told me that I didn't cause this, but what if it happens again..then did I? What if my body continues to fail me?

I'm reading a book right now called A Grace Disguised: How the Soul Grows through Loss. I know that all these feeling i'm feeling are normal. It's helped reading those words and knowing that other people have felt this way. I honestly can't say enough good things about this book. It has made me realize that you have to walk through the darkness to get to the sunlight again. It has helped me see that the lost of Bryanna was like an amputation of a body part...it's a part of me I can never get back. It has also helped me see what might have been "normal" for me in the beginning will never be the same "normal" for me again. I have seen life in a different way. I have seen how fragile it is, and how beautiful it can be all at the same time. I know I have walked through my darkness and am attempting to make my way back to the sunlight. I will emerge a stronger person. My marriage will pull through a stronger marriage and my family bounds will be stronger because of what we have gone through together. My kids will forever know that they have a baby sister and future children of ours will be brought up knowing they have an older sister who is an angel. Our life will continue but Bryanna will forever be part of it.

1 comment:

  1. *hugs* love you Gina! I'm so very proud of you, and the accomplishments like this one that you have made throughout this very tough journey of yours.