I was going through my myspace blog that I use to use all the time. As I was flipping through just now I ran across a ticker that I posted when I was pregnant. I locked this specific entry after we lost Bryanna so no one else could see it but I couldn't bring myself to delete it. It really had slipped my mind until just now...
The ticker says I'm 39 weeks and 6 days..only 1 day until my due date. One day...in one day I could have been holding my precious baby. However, that's not the way things were meant to be. I found myself looking at myself in the mirror this afternoon and wondering did I really go through these past 4 months? Did I really have a baby growing in me just 20 short weeks ago, and now there is nothing left? Did I really just go through all of this and survive? It's so surreal thinking we just went through all of this. It's so surreal thinking just 20 weeks ago I was in the hospital getting ready to have my baby, and had I gone into the hospital yesterday she would have been born and everything would have been ok. I find it so odd that she was born 20 weeks too early...2o weeks to the exact date that she was due.
Tomorrow will be a busy day with family, but we are taking a little time to head out to the lake in the morning to release some balloons for her. My reasoning being..if she is going to celebrate with God we at least want to send her some balloons from us to let her know we are thinking about her.
I must confess..this date is making the pain more real..almost like for the past 4 months I have not really believed it until this moment. Yes, I have grieved with every part of my being but this hurts on a whole new level. Luckily my family will be here to keep me busy and we can mourn together and celebrate the day together as well.