Saturday, June 20, 2009

The Mind...

The mind is a wonderful thing, although it can bring about much torture. Your mind will remember things that you would rather forget. Yet it remembers things your would probably rather not forgot. Just now I was taking a shower and tears came to my eyes not once, not twice, but three times. I had been fine all day long, and then my mind chose to remember at this coming Tuesday I would have been 39 weeks. This is the time that I can start remember almost moment by moment was I was doing 19 weeks ago. 19 weeks ago tomorrow we bought her crib, 19 weeks ago Tuesday I went to the Dr to be diagnosed with BV, 19 weeks ago Thursday I missed work to pick up my antibiotic, 19 weeks ago Friday we discovered we were having a baby girl, 19 weeks ago Sunday my world was falling apart. Had things turned out different I could be holding a baby girl in my arms this very moment, or could possibly still be waiting for her to arrive.

Don't get me wrong I am doing better...just remembering little details like this hurt me so badly. I know people think it's time to move on, but how do you move on after the loss of a child? I know I might not be normal anymore to most, and I'll probably never be the Gina that everyone remembers from before, but I'm a new Gina. A Gina who has seen pain no one should ever have to go through, and a Gina who is becoming stronger by the day. A Gina who knows this strength that carries me through the day is not by my own means but given to me by God. I thank God everyday for the strength he has given me and continue to ask him for more daily.

On another note, I went to the therapist on Thursday and told her about holding the baby and feeling like in a few months I think I will be ready to start TTC again. I then told her I had anxiety the next day and felt guilty and like we would hurt Bryanna's feelings when we had a new baby. She then told me I needed to go back and look through my pregnancy books because developmentally when Bryanna was born she didn't have the emotions to feel jealousy. Great thanks lady..I'm not taking about Bryanna when she was born I'm talking about Bryanna's spirit. My baby was born with a spirit and a soul. I don't care where she was developmentally when she was born...I don't care what you think she can feel or not. I don't even want to hear that her kicking my hand when I poked at her was a reflex...these were my feelings of my baby and your medical jargon doesn't help or make how I feel go away. I'm not going back to read pregnancy books and tourture myself. I know it's silly to feel that her feelings will be hurt by ud trying again but that's how I feel. For the most part I like my therapist so I know that this clash won't get in the way of our progress. She is really helpful even if she doesn't see that I'm looking at things spiritually and not medically...

1 comment:

  1. I'd like to kick your probably lovely therapist for saying that...medical jargon my butt! I think Bryanna has a beautiful spirit and I'm sure she'll love it when you TTC again.